On The Market

Not just me...
My house too.

I don't know how the real estate market is doing where y'all are, but it sucks here right now. I mean REALLY REALLY sucks!

So keep your fingers crossed for a quick sale.

Aren't I suppose to bury some statue of a Saint or something like that in my front yard? Which one?

And if I do...

Is God cool with that?

Clocking Out

The Old Guy's Wife gets home tomorrow.

So I'll be officially off the clock.

Can't wait to see my Nancy...My voice of reason.

So I'll be back to a 40 hour work week.

Thank God! These old people can be exhausting.

Love you "Old Guy" but seriously I CANNOT HANG WITH YOU!

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Lastnight

I didn't come home.

And this morning on my way home I inhaled a sausage, egg & cheese biscuit.

Two things that are VERY out of character for me.

Friendship Is...

When your neighbor wakes up at 7:00 AM on a Saturday and...

Hand waters your lawn (because you have freshly laid sod).

Allows you to sleep in (cuz he knows you partied your face off last night as he was there).

Comes over when you finally awake at 9:00 AM (and doesn't mention that you look like you've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit).

Freezes a wart off your arm with the Wartner product he bought for you (most likely cuz he's tired of hearing you bitch about it).

Brings your dog out to potty (cuz she's about to piss her fur pants and you are still on your first cup of coffee).

Changes out the batteries in your smoke detectors (cuz the chirping is annoying the shit out of you and you are afraid to get up on a ladder).

All because you can't function!

Friday Fill Ins

1. My Dad's birthday, Halloween and Cooler weather...are some of the things I'm most looking forward to in October.

2. Sometimes I... Analyze things too much.

3. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were once Superbowl Champions ...and that's why there is a saying, "never say never"!

4. When I'm down, I... Drink wine, run with my dog and then drink more wine.

5. On my lanai or On the tennis court... is where you'll find me most often.

6. A rainy day is good for... a romp in the sack.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to... Happy Hour at Our Club with The Old Guy, tomorrow my plans include... playing tennis and watching Florida State Football and Sunday, I'll be... Watching The Bucs beat The Packers!


*ETA* In October I am most looking forward to Shannie & Dana coming to visit me!!!!

Dear Old Patients at The Clinic Today,

TURN UP YOUR EFFIN HEARING AIDS!

I'M TIRED OF SCREAMING!

YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!

LL&L

Random

More Wine Please tagged me with the Random Tag! So I am supposed to come up with 7 random facts about me...

1. I bring a bucket in the shower with me and use the water on my plants. It's one of my latest efforts to be "More Green."

2. I love to wear my hair in pigtails! It makes me feel SASSY!

3. I have a crush on someone. Can't tell you who because of an anonymous lurker that frequents this joint.

4. I love having my feet rubbed.

5. I'm a sucker for silly people. I love to laugh! So if you're funny you earn huge points with me.

6. My childhood dream was to cheer for the Tampa Bay Bucs.

7. I suck at math. BIG TIME!

It's a Small World

Hey there Sarasota.

Do I know you?

For Lack of a Better Post...

Some search term fun

Little Lola in Panties: Well, she's NOT little that's for sure! Nor, does she wear panties. However, if she did I'm certain that I've taught her well enough not to leave them anywhere!

Lola and Dad: Yep, you'll find them both in here. I blog about them quite often. They are two of my favorite people.

Taking your dog to the ballgame: If it fits in your purse be my guest. Mine however does not.

Zumba for the handicapped: If you're handicapped I do not suggest trying to Zumba! It's very difficult. I know as I have tried it. I'm surprised I didn't end up handicapped. Stay in your wheelchair. You're safer there.

A Funny From The Old Guy Next Door

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner o f the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Screw the Peanuts and Cracker Jacks...

Give me an eight dollar beer and an Italian Sausage with Hot Peppers...

Oh, and this little cutie to sit next to...

Game on!

Win or Lose...

If You're Not Reading The Comments

You're missing all the fun!

Cuz that's where the really funny shit is!

Y'all crack me up.

Almost as much as Adam Sandler does. And that my friends is a HUGE compliment!

Mystery Solved

So I've solved the panty mystery!

He has actually been involved with this classy tramp who left her panties in his car since late July. She's an addict too.

He had already given me 100 reasons to leave him...So this was just the icing on the cake.

I pulled our cell phone records. You should read these text messages. I can't write what they said. As it would surely result in some pervs ending up in here.

I will tell you though that while going over the phone bill I realized that he had gone over on his text message allowance.

So I informed him that everytime he texted her after he was done masturbating cost him 15 cents.

We Get All Kinds Here

A new patient just came in for an evaluation.

He's wearing a shirt that states "Rub My Nuts For Good Luck."

Seriously!

I could use some good luck, let me think about it...

UM.NO!
WAIT, I MEAN HELL NO!

Like Mother Like Daughter

Just got off the phone with my Mom.

Her and my Dad went out with her college roommate and her husband last night.

And so the conversation goes...

Me: "Did y'all have fun?"

Her: "I'm really hungover. I feel like I've partied since 1999."

Me: Laughing. "Those aren't the words. It's I'm gonna party like it's 1999."

Her: "No, I meant what I said. This morning I feel like I've been partying since 1999"

Me: "Yeah, I guess 9 years of partying would make you feel like shit."

Me: "So what are you doing now?"

Her: "Having a glass of wine."

And there you have it like mother like daughter...

Saturday Search Term Fun...

So I totally stole this post idea from Shannie. I finally figured out how to track how certain people land in here. Here are some recent visitors search terms.

1. Name Lola in Chinese Letters: Interesting, but you aren't going to find your answer here. I don't speak Chinese. Shit, I can barely speak Spanish and my maiden name is VERY Spanish.

2. My Neighbor is Old: Why yes he is. But if you make fun of him I will SOOO open up a can of whoop ass on you! He's old, but he's fun and most days, especially on the tennis court I feel much older than him.

3. Lola Happy Happy: She is. She is.

4. Two Things Man and A Horse Shower: WTF??? Don't even talk to me about men right now. A Horse Shower??? I don't know...A hose maybe.

That's all I have. No sickos thank God!

Going out on the town tonight with some friends. It's been a long time. And I will be sans wedding ring. Time to get back out there.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...

But you are too stupid to ever hurt me.

Dear Anonymous (AKA Husband),

Seriously, you almost went to Medical School. Just choose not to.

You were smart when I met you (we all know how stupid you've become.)

Play it smart now.

Calling me names is not doing you any good. Texting notsomuch either.

Ask any of these wonderful people if they think I'm "Psycho" or if they think "I SUCK..."

I'm quite certain the answer will be a BIG "HELL NO!"

So lose that chip off your unemployed shoulder and stop harassing me.

This is my happy place.

No one invited you here.

And it is an invitation only party.

Everyday of the week.

I'M FREE

To do what I want.

Right????

Can I get a "HELL YEAH" and some CART WHEELS PLEASE!

Backflip...Round Off...Bring on The Pom Poms...GOOOOO LL&L! WHOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I've seriously never been this happy on a Tuesday (aside from tomorrow is trash day and you know how excited I get about that).

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW!

It's Good...GOOOOOOD (Jim Carey If you will).

I'll have a better post soon. Oh, and I still have to give a shout out to my blogs that I love. I will acknowledge you soon.

Focusing on "ME" now...I'll get back to you soon...

*ETA* The main reason for this post was that I found another pair of women's dirty panties in my soon to be EX husband's bed side table. Yes you heard me ANOTHER pair. They weren't there a couple of weeks ago. So I think two pair of panties justifies me being free to start dating whether the divorce is final or not. Right? So now lets start working on marketing myself. My only two major requests for my next man...

MUST BE SILLY
MUST LOVE DOGS
Oh, and any men with a panty fetish NEED NOT APPLY

A Treat From My Neighbor

Here you go, a treat from my neighbor.

A "Guest Blog" if you will...

Hello out there,

I have the privilege of being the next door neighbor and now I have the special honor of being the first guest blogger.

Instead of "I see dead people" she sometimes quips "I see old people". I am very proud to be one of them.

This young lady is my best friend, my Florida daughter, my buddy; the girl who...
I'd like to think I help raise her spirits now and then and in reality she does a nice job of lifting mine.

A whole new wonderful life awaits her; move over world. This very special 'breath of fresh air' is ready to rock and roll! There's no holding her back now!

Together we endure the incessant frog sounds, the lawn-devouring chinch bugs, the overly boisterous neighbors and together we are struggling to be better tennis players. With her innate ability and determination she will be a big time player soon.

This is a
very special lady!!

old guy next door

Can Y'all hear that?

It's peace and quiet! And it's wonderful!

I have an assignment for you. I need a new header. I don't want to change the name of this place, just the words underneath. And maybe jazz it up a little.

So y'all work on that while I work on this bottle of champagne I just opened. K?

Stay Tuned

I'll be back this weekend.
My life has been temporarily interrupted by my soon to be EX Husband lingering around the house, making a mess, getting drunk, passing out and pretty much annoying the shit out of me.

I tell him I no longer want him in my life and now he won't go away.

A LOVE NOTE

I love to be loved! Who doesn't? Thank you Shannie for making my day!
Now on to these questions...I have to answer these in one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? OUTOFHISFUCKINGMINDDOESNOTKNOWHOWTOTREATHISWIFE (Ya'll got that right??)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Heaven
5. Your father? Close
6. Your favorite thing? Friends
7. Your dream last night? Nada
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. The room you’re in? Yellow
10. Your hobby? Tennis
11. Your fear? Sharks
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy!
13. Where were you last night? Sleeping
14. What you’re not? Jealous!
15. One of your wish-list items? Children
16. Where you grew up? Florida
17. The last thing you did? thought
18. What are you wearing? flip-flops (In Florida this is one word)
19. Your TV? Tennis (It's the US Open for crying out loud!!)
20. Your pet? LOLA
21. Your computer? bright
22. Your mood? relaxed
23. Missing someone? nope
24. Your car? new
25. Something you’re not wearing? wedding ring (yeah two words...just wanted to point that out...I'm back on the market)
26. Favorite store? Norman's (Best wine deals in town)
27. Your summer? Humid!
28. Love someone? Yep!
29. Your favorite color? Yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today (Thank GOD)
31. Last time you cried? Monday
Now for passing on the award!

The rules of this award are:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.

2. Link the person you received your award from.

3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.

4. Put links of those blogs on yours.

5. Leave a message on the blogs of the people you’ve nominated

So I nominate:

All my peeps tomorrow. In a new post. Cuz ya'll deserve a post of your own. And I'm too tired tonight.

XOXO,
L,L&L

PANTIES=PROBLEM

I found a pair of panties in my husbands car today.

And they weren't mine.

EWWWWW!

I actually filed for divorce last week.

He should receive the papers soon.

Hopefully he will be as quick to sign as he was to get into another gals panties!