Sunday, August 31, 2008

There Is No "I" In "TEAM"

I'm sure you've heard this one before.

The first time I heard it I remember thinking "Wow that's powerful."

That first time was back in high school. Most likely on the the sideline of the football field. And it has stuck with me since then.

There isn't an "I" in "TEAM!"

It's pretty simple, and one of life's greatest lessons. As far as I'm concerned.

Conversation With My Neighbor

While watching The US Open tonight he looks over at me and says...

Him: "Have you ever seen Oh Brother where Art Thou?"

Me: "No, I haven't, and I think you meant are right?"

Him: "No, it's art"

Me: "Okay whatever we've been drinking it's art if that's what you say."

Totally not happy with the fact that I'm somewhat ignoring this whole conversation cuz I'm trying to watch tennis and obviously not interested in this movie otherwise I would have seen it. He heads to my office to confirm that he's right with our good friend Google.

Him: "L, Come in here" He has a page pulled up on the Internet.

Him: "Look. Art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art!"

Me: "You sound like a seal. You win, I'm going to watch tennis."



New Orleans doesn't deserve this! Please God make it better!

I love New Orleans. Some of my most wonderful memories are in New Orleans. Why is this happening...AGAIN!

I'm praying! I hope ya'll are praying too.



If I Ever Go Black

I heart you James Blake!

Your BFF beat you.

Sucks I know.

I think you let him win.

Cuz that's what BFF'S do.

That's sweet!

Saturday, August 30, 2008


Thinking is over. Got my answer. Made my decision. Done.

So some friends took me out last night. Which resulted in me sleeping in and missing the recycling guys! Damn! I hate that.

I feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit!

Friday, August 29, 2008

They think I'm handicapped

More Wine Please posted earlier on the annoyance of word verification.

I couldn't agree more!

In fact I was just commenting on a blog and it took me five times to get the effin letters right. FIVE TIMES! On the fifth try I noticed a handicap symbol that popped up.

Do you think they were trying to tell me something?

I may be a dumbass at times. But, I'm certainly NOT handicapped.

*ETA* If you think I'm handicapped could you please mail me a tag for my rear view window. This will get me front row parking at the beach.


I just had a patient freak the fuck out on me because he cannot afford his $25.00 copay.

He's FOREIGN, He's LOUD, He's OLD and He's About to get KICKED IN HIS SORE KNEE if he doesn't back off!

Seriously, I know times are tough for a lot of people. I have a kind heart and I'm always willing to work with people in these situations!

And that is what I'm trying to tell this patient as he continues to have a hissy fit!

If he would shut up for three seconds he would hear that I have decreased his copay to $10.00.

I think in situations like these it would be perfectly acceptable for me to have some Bailey's on hand to add to my coffee. I'll have to bring this up at our next corporate meeting.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Been Thinking

Seriously, I'm thinking too much.


So I've temporarily lost my funny.

Cuz I'm thinking.

Apparently my brain cannot be both funny and smart at the same time.

So pardon the interruption of my funniness, cuz I need to think.

And thinking is much more work than being funny.

So, just picture me sitting here with my fist on my chin...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Don't Mess With Texas

You know those vacations that you rush rush rush and you feel like you need a vacation after your vacation?

This was SO NOT that type of vaca!

Here I am with Mr. & Mrs. B. Oh.My.God. What a fun night! Tex-Mex Rocks! And the margaritas...TO.DIE.FOR.

And who doesn't love swinging while drinking? How cool are those chairs?

And as far as their "Little Texans" go...

How could you not smile with these two angels close to you?

Words cannot even describe the cuteness that fills their home.

Big sis will be a supermodel one day...Promise!

And baby brother is too smart for words. In fact, I think his vocabulary is better than mine (at 18 months)!

Seriously, have you ever known a child under two that can ask "More Asparagus Please?" And he speaks Chinese too!

He is Doogie Houser Smart.

So, the trip was wonderful!

Lots of bonding! Lots of love! Lots of shopping! Good Eats! Great Friends! And really good times!

Home Is Where Your Dog Is

What a fabulous trip!!

I didn't find Wentworth Miller...But I think I found myself!

I know what I want, and now it's up to me to find it!

I'm back at work.

More on the trip and pics to follow.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Miss You Already

I should be asleep...but I'm not. Flying anxiety will do that to ya.

Headed to Texas tomorrow. Where everything is BIGGER! I may not come back. That is if I find the right cowboy, or Wentworth Miller (as he is there as I type). Speaking of Wentworth, one of my girlfriends told me today that she heard he was gay.

That was the end of that friendship.

Have a great weekend ladies!

Enjoy your lives, enjoy your friends, laugh, smile, eat, drink, be merry and give lots of hugs!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fearing The Flight!!!

Yes, already!

WTF? Seriously, I'm terrified of heights and I hate to fly. How the hell did this happen to me?

I use to be a huge "Risk Taker" in fact one of me dreams in college was to climb to Base Camp One of Mount Everest. And now I'm freaking the fuck out about flying alone 48 hours before I leave.

I haven't been on a plane alone since I was in high school. No joke. I've always had a buddy, or my husband.

I feel really bad for the poor soul that will be sitting next to me.

1.Will he/she freak when I grab their hand during take off?

2.Will they be quick with the "Vomit Bag" if need be?

3.Or will they decide after they ask for a coffee and I request a Bloody Mary and PLEEEEEASE make it a double that their only option for a decent flight is to follow my lead?

Pick three!! Pick three!! Let's have a drink, I'll fall asleep (most likely on your shoulder) and all will be fine.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

You Know You're A Grown Up When...

You get the day off from work due to a Tropical Storm heading your way and instead of organizing a "Hurricane Party" You...

Clean your entire house.

Pressure wash your lanai and rearrange your patio furniture.

Pack for your trip that is three days away.

Make a pile for Goodwill.

Do three loads of laundry. All rugs included.

And Rearrange your pantry.

Monday, August 18, 2008


If I hear "HUNKER DOWN" one more time today...

What the hell does that mean anyway?

I had a list...I stuck to my list!

Bottled water-check
Dog Food-check

What more do I need?

So whatever I need to "Hunker Down" if it's not on that list, I will not be "Hunkering."

*ETA* Maybe something for me to eat? K! Got it! Mac & Cheese! Since we are "Hunkering down and all."


Fay is headed our way!

Keep your fingers crossed for Lola and I.

This will be our first storm on our own.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

81 Never Looked So Good

Last night we celebrated Grandma's 81st birthday!

That's her in the middle. Proudly sporting her new BUCCANEER shirt. Just in time for football season!

Grandma ROCKS!

Of course my idea of going to The Hosier Bar was shot down once again...I'll get you there one day Grandma. PROMISE!

Instead, we grilled kabobs at my house. Or so that was the plan...

Until Dad went to fire up the grill...

And so the conversation went...

Dad: "Honey, you're out of gas."

Me: "Oh, I think I have an extra tank in the garage."

Dad: (walking towards me with BIG ASS GAS TANK IN HAND disconnected from grill) "I'll go check."

Me: "OH.MY.GOD.DAD. Did you turn the gas off (panicking)????"

Dad: "What?"

Me: Realizing how fucking stupid of a question I just asked, considering the tank was empty, he questioned me again and I was forced to repeat myself.

Me: "Did you turn the gas off?"

Dad: Laughing.Laughing.Laughing. "There's no gas."

P.S. That's Life On The Tail Of A Comet in the pink cowgirl hat.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

If Dog Hair Were Worth Money

I'd be a fucking millionaire! Seriously, this is a couple of days without sweeping at my house. You would think Lola would be bald. Can't we find some sort of use for this hair?

I don't know pillows maybe? Or exclusive "Lola Coats?"

I could sell them at Nordstrom & Neiman Marcus. I think the celebrities would jump all over them. No?

So put your heads together and figure out a way for Lola to make me rich.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


I was tagged by my Mom to list seven boring things about myself. Since I haven't always done what she has asked I'm going to change it up a little. Instead, I'm going to list seven cool things about me.

1. I have held a beating heart in my hand. A humans beating heart! When I worked in the OR the heart team would need heart holders while the surgeon was doing the reanastamosis of the arteries. I would always volunteer. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life.

2. I finished The Draft Day Dash 5K in 23 minutes. My goal was actually 21 minutes. But I still ran under 8 minute miles and got a medal. I was so excited while running through the tunnel and onto The Tampa Bay Buccaneers field I almost peed my pants! My husband and my dad were there cheering me on. It was a very proud moment for me! These morning runs are the times when drinking a beer at 9AM is perfectly acceptable, and that's pretty cool.

3. I saw a shark (the size of me) swimming at me while snorkeling in The Keys a couple of years ago. I totally freaked. My husband swears I ran on water to get back to the boat. Two cool things here: 1.If I did indeed run on water that's cool. 2.The fact that I wasn't attacked was pretty cool too.

4. I'm very laid back. Which is a cool way to be. I'm certain I belong in the islands somewhere. I guess Florida is close enough for now.

5. I assisted in the operation to remove one of my best friend's gallbladder. Yep, I've seen her guts. I think it's cool. Her NOTSOMUCH.

6. I taught my old dog how to tell me he loved me. It was the coolest thing. I'm still working on this one with Lola.

7. I swam in Pee Wee Herman's parents pool when I was little. This was way before he got caught yanking his wanker at the drive in. So it was cool then.

*ETA* The friend who's Gallbladder I helped remove still insists that she gets Gallbladder attacks. I always reassure her that we did remove it. So now we call them "Phantom Gallbladder Attacks."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Som Tings Wong

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed (while watching the Olympics) that Chinese people don't have eyelashes.

Why is that?

It kind of freaks me out.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Have you tried it?

OH.MY.GOD. It ROCKS! And no it's not something you smoke or drink.

It's a new workout that incorporates Latin dancing and cardio. My girlfriend and I just did it during our lunch hour. If only you could have seen us. We were laughing hysterically!

You should see these bitches on the video move their hips. Us, NOTSOMUCH! Personally I think I would be a lot better at the moves after a couple glasses of wine.

Anyhow, just thought I'd mention it for all my girls participating in Operation Skinny Bitch.

What a great way to burn some calories, learn some new moves and make a total ass of yourself!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Another Sunset...

But who doesn't love a PINK one!

Just another shitty day in paradise!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I volunteered at The Wildlife Rescue.

My job...

To Feed The Raccoons! Yes, you heard me feed those creepy little bastards! There are about 40 or so of them in cages that were abandoned when then were babies. When they are a little more mature they will be released.

These critters are going to be in for a RUDE AWAKENING once they are back in the wild. As they eat like kings and queens at this joint.

On the menu, Scrumptious Parfaits. That's what I made. SEVEN.FUCKING.HUGE.BOWLS.OF.THEM.

The recipe

Layer the following ingredients:
4 cups dog food
Two cups water
Chopped cantaloupe
Chopped watermelon
Chopped apples
Chopped pears
Chopped peaches
Chopped kiwi
Chopped celery
Chopped squash
Chopped carrots
Top with bread

Seriously, this is what they are fed daily!

Raccoons! The creatures that dumpster dive! The bastards that knock my trash can over in the middle of the night looking for anything they can get their creepy little fingers on.

Then you know what they do when you are trying to serve them their gourmet lunch?

They HISSSSSSSS at you.

Dear John Edwards,

You're a Jackass!

You are the reason I'm happy to call myself an Elephant.

Bill Clinton helped me with that too.

What is it with you Jackasses cheating on your wives?

It is what it is...

You're A Jackass.

I'm an Elephant.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Its Friday And...

Happy Friday To All Of You!

Breaking News: Chester Strikes Again

Cheeto thieves leave orange, dusty trail
ST. PAUL: It wasn't hard for police in St. Paul to catch three teenagers suspected of burglarizing a vending machine. They just followed a trail of Cheetos.

Officers were called to a rec center, where they found a vending machine's glass had been broken with a chair. Most of the candy and chips were missing.

The policemen followed the orange, dusty trail from the rec center around the side of the building and to a nearby home.

Inside, they found numerous vending-sized bags of Cheetos and other snacks.

Police arrested the suspects who soon arrived at the home by car. All three denied being involved.

I guess I'm not the only one with a Cheeto problem. The fact that they denied being involved cracks me up. I'm sure their fingers were a dead giveaway!

That Chester...Causing problems again!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Dear Pharmacy Tech at Walgreens,

Stop what your doing and listen up. This information will be very valuable for your future encounters with customers, and could possibly SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I'm not exactly sure how much you are required to know about the drugs that us customers purchase from your pharmacy. I would like to think that you have a rough idea of what certain pills are prescribed for. If not I think it is in your best interest to just assume that all customers are crazy, depressed, anxious, bipolar and possibly psycho just to cover your bases.

You do not, I repeat YOU.DO.NOT. tell someone that suffers from anxiety that her Lexapro cannot be filled until the 29th of August on August the 6th! That is just wrong. I knew my prescription was ready as your pharmacy called me to tell me it was. Your mistake nearly sent me into a panic attack. Clearly the REAL PHARMACIST noticed and fixed the situation quickly. That was the longest two minutes of my life.

So like I said treat us all like we're crazy.

I can't imagine if you did that to a customer that was picking up their anti-psycho medication.

You might have gotten your ass beat!

Life, Love and Lola

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dearest Shannie & Dana,

Just to entice the two of you to visit Florida...
A picture from my lanai tonight...

Oh and me with "The Old Man" (my neighbor) Who is soooo much fun! At "The Beach Drums" last Saturday night. Good times. Good times.

We're everyday pals as his wife is off saving the victims in Indiana. Seriously, she was called in after the flooding. And she's been gone for way too long!

I miss her.
And he misses her.
She's been gone for two months.

And since my husband is gone as well. We hang out a lot together. We play tennis. And he beats me (old fart), but he taught me everything I know (he's my pro) and one day...



We have dinner together.

We exchange nights.

Or we're off the hook if it's "Taco Tuesday."

On the other nights... We've been eating hot dogs. Or whatever...

Come home Nancy, We Miss You!

Oh, and back to who this letter was addressed to...

Shannie & Dana


Come visit!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Just got home from a neighborhood friends house. The one who lives most of the year in Jamaica. She hosted "Taco Tuesday" tonight.

She broke the rules. There wasn't a taco in sight.

Her MIL is visiting from Jamaica, and is as Jamaican as they come. Born and raised. And she cooked for all of us.


I truly felt like I was back in Jamaica.

Except that I was in my own neighborhood, I wasn't smoking gonga and I have to go to work tomorrow. But that's besides the point.

Anyhow, this MIL rocks! She is as sweet as they come! She's an excellent cook and speaks very little English. Patois is her language. Not sure if you've ever heard it, but it's very different.

While sitting and (kind of) speaking with her. I noticed that really all she ever said was "Yes" but the way that she says it with her accent is more like "Yeeas" (you know Jamaican like). And all sweet and such.

I could have sat with her ALL.NIGHT.LONG. I asked her a million questions about Jamaica, and told her how much I loved her Island, and how I had honeymooned there back in the day.

"Yeeas, Yeeas and Yeeas" was all she would say.

Next time I see her I have some different questions for her...And this is how the conversation will go...

Me: "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Her: "Yeeas!"

Me: "Am I the smartest Florida girl you've ever met"

Her: "Yeeas!!"

Me: "Do you love me the best of everyone here?"

Her: "Yeeas!!!"

I can't wait!

Just Wondering...

Do Y'all think if I continue to mention Wentworth Miller's name that one day he will Google himself and land on my blog?

And then he'll start reading, and he'll think that I'm smart and funny, and he will fall head over heels in love with Lola and with me which in turn will make him land on my front doorstep?



*ETA* I just googled him and there are 3,790,000 links. So the chances are pretty slim. However, if you type "Lola" after his name I'm number one!!

Quote For The Day

" How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

-Anais Nin

Monday, August 4, 2008

Her Name was Lola

She was a virgin (no show girl here).

We have new neighbors, and they have a dog.

A Wiener Dog.

Lola will not stop barking at this dog, and I'm kind of embarrassed.

Sorry, she has just never seen a wiener before.

Since I rescued her she has led a pretty sheltered life. A nice life I might add, living in her palace, being the only one and enjoying her days being the princess that she is.

She's just not familiar with wieners.

So deal with it people.

Deal with my dog being a prude.

Or get a bigger dog.

And the barking will cease.

Or you could shower her with cookies. She likes cookies.

Here I Am

The thing about living alone is that if there is a mess you made it, if the dog isn't fed you forgot, if the gas burner on the stove is left on ALL NIGHT LONG it's your...oh wait that was my Mom who left the burner on.

And if your Internet bill didn't get paid YOU FORGOT TO PAY IT!

So the reason I was MIA all weekend is because my Internet was down. I felt so out of touch! It killed me not to know what all of y'all were up to. I really missed Y'all! I have to make sure that never happens again!

The weekend consisted of the usual shit. Yard work, pool work, tennis.

I did go out with my neighbors(who are quite a bit older than me)on Saturday night. We had a blast! We went to the grand opening of a new club in town. There was a great band and we danced! Old people can be a lot of fun. Especially after a few glasses of wine. And boy can they dance!

So, in case you were wondering where I was...There you have it.

I wish I was here telling you that Wentworth Miller came and swept me off my feet and I'm now writing to you from somewhere in The Caribbean.

But no such luck.

It certainly would have made for a more interesting post!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Guess I Hit A Nerve

I have to admit that my last post was written way past my bed time. Oh, and a couple of glasses of wine.

That's just how we roll around here during SHARK WEEK.

I don't watch much T.V.

I'm pretty sure I've expressed that.

So therefore, I don't have much space in my life for commercials. That's why I have Tivo.

I'm surprised I even caught that commercial last night and seriously, it made NO.SENSE.TO.ME.

And now I know why.

Thanks to Anonymous (comment in previous post) it's a "Centaur Thing."

Ya'll know what that is? (FYI It's half man half horse)

So that commercial wasn't meant for us women, It was meant for those half men/half horse individuals that were watching.

Nothing to do with being "Well Hung" or "Smelling Nice."

It was addressed towards "The Centaur's" that were sitting on the couch watching.

Well, excuse me Centaurs...My friend "The Unicorn" needs to go change her tampon, and us gals always go in 2's.

P.S. Football Season is right around the corner "Centaur" I need to know are you a fan? Or a mascot?