Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Naughty or Nice??

Well, this year I have been extremely NICE! Maybe a little NAUGHTY...But mostly NICE.

In saying that I found what I want you gals (and guys) to chip in on and buy me for Christmas.

Go to page 167 of The Victoria's Secret Christmas 2008 Catalog.

Take a look at that beauty!

No not her...Her bra!

The Black Diamond Miracle Fantasy Bra. I.HAVE.TO.HAVE.THAT.

Why? You ask. Because dammit I'm worth it!

Yes, I see the price. I realize it is $5,000,000.00. But I'm worth it. PROMISE!

Oh, and since you are all in such a giving mood...

I'll need a pair of those Ta-Tas to go with it. I can get y'all a professional discount of $4,000.00. K?

So that's $5,004,000.00 you'll need to scrounge up.

I'm sorry to inform you that Holiday offers do not apply to this $5,000,000.00 bra.

So you will not be saving $150.00 on your order of $500.00 or more.

Bullshit! I can spend $500.00 and save $150.00. But if I spend $5,000,000.00 I save NOTHING!

Okay, forget that idea. I'm a smart shopper, and I want all of you to be too.

Just buy me a sweater.
Size small (obviously or I wouldn't want new boobs).

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Saturday Search Term Fun...

These people ended up in here this week via our good friend Google...

1. Stick Sense of Humor: Didn't you mean Sick Sense of Humor? Well, I don't have one. A sick one that is. I do have a Sense of Humor, but it is very rare that my mind wanders to the gutter.

2. Pharmacist Tech at Walgreens: SUCKS! That bitch caused me more anxiety than this little body can handle. If I were in charge I would have canned her ass.

3. Skinny Uvula: I can't answer that. Call your Ear, Nose and Throat doctor (because your Uvula IS in your throat). Unless like my neighbor you think it is "down there" call your Gynecologist, and be prepared to be laughed at!

4. How do you treat a guy to love you: Well, you could treat him to a nice home cooked meal. Or, to a rockin' blow job...Either one should do the trick.

5. Lola Zumba: I would love to see that. Lola The Dancing Dog. Maybe that is how I will make my millions.

I did also have numerous panty searches, but I've decided I'm not going there any longer.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My Glass Is Half Empty...

And I have a lot of SHIT on my plate!

Not the ideal place setting.

I prefer a FULL GLASS and a side of SHIT.

Anyhow, I'm dealing.

Just haven't had much time to blog, or to catch up on all of yours.

Forgive me.

On a brighter note...

The grass is greener over here thanks to My Mia Smiles rockin' hubby for fixing my lawn.

Take that Bitchy Property Manager of my fancy gated community! What do you think of my lawn now? I double dog dare you to send me another threat!

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Stand Corrected

The Old Guy Loves To Prove Me Wrong!

This my friends is a Uula. Apparently there IS such a thing.

Good job Old Guy...You're right, I'm wrong.

Regardless that thing is still not in my throat!

Thank God!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Anatomy 101

The Scene: My neighbors last night for dinner.

And so the conversation goes...

Me: "B's doctor told him that he has a long Uvula, and that's why he continues to snore even after his surgery."

Old Guy: "It's a Uula, NOT a Uvula. Your Uvula is down there (pointing you know where)"

Me: "NO, It's a Uvula. Down there is a Vulva."

Old Guy: "A Volvo?"

Me: "NO, A Volvo is what your wife use to drive."

Me again: "A Uvula is in your throat. A Vulva is down there. A Volvo is on the road. There is no such thing as a Uula."

End of conversation.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Don't Care Who You Are...

"TRUCK NUTS" Cannot Be Justified!

Seriously, what are you people thinking? Roping nuts to your trailer hitch? WTF?

I think whoever invented these "TRUCK NUTS" should be roped by their neck from the trailer hitch right beneath "THE NUTS" dangling in their face and dragged a good few miles.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How on Earth

Do these people get my email address?

Seriously, does anyone else get daily emails about increasing the size of your penis?

I don't have a penis people! I have a Vajayjay.

Stop emailing me!

Friday, October 10, 2008

A Warm Fuzzy

The Rockin' Wife over at View From The Front Porch sent some love my way.

Thank you Rockin' Wife! You made my day! Go check out her blog. She's a wife and a mom and has a Rockin' Blog.

We actually went to high school together (did you figure that out yet Rockin' Wife??)

I'm in a very sharing mood today (because it's Friday) So,I'm sharing this love with ALL OF YOU! So grab this love and consider yourselves hugged!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Jimmy Buffet's personal chef is cooking dinner for me.


A new restaurant opened in town, and it is owned and run by Jimmy's former chef!

The food is a little fancier than you would think Jimmy would eat, but I'm sure it will be good!

No Cheeseburger In Paradise on the menu. DAMN! I wanted to jump up on the table when I ordered singing...

"I want mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes!"

No such luck. I think I am having crab cakes as I have already reviewed the menu.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dear Rachael Ray,

Although you quite often annoy the shit out of me with all of your spunk and your "E.V.O.O."

I AM a fan of your recipes.

Really, I think you put together some pretty good stuff!

I have your 365 No Repeats cookbook and I am a huge fan of your 30 Minute Meals!

In regard to your new line of dog food...

I bought some for Lola to try, as I believe she is more than worthy of eating kibble that was prepared by a celebrity chef.

What the hell do you put in that stuff?

Seriously, you should call it 30 Second Diarrhea!

My suggestion to you...




Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Game


We won! WOOOOOHOOOO! YAY RAYS! (Pics for you later)

A couple of things worth mentioning...

1. Dear Shannie & Shannon, Please update my weight loss goal over at Operation Skinny Bitch. Instead of giving you a number in lbs. I need to lose half a Gyro, a Hot Italian Sausage sandwich, multiple handfuls of peanuts, a half a tub of popcorn, a soft pretzel with cheese and $32.00 worth of Bud Light. K?

2. Pigtails are a must! Guys love pigtails! So wear them ladies, and wear them proudly.

3. Guy crush has called and texted multiple times! What a nice distraction with all that is going on in my life!

I'll be back later. I have a bridal shower to go to for one of my lifelong girlfriends. It is being given by another lifelong girlfriend and her mother who are both fabulous cooks.

I'm talking GOURMET!

So I'm off to eat and drink some more!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Search Term Fun

I haven't been keeping track all week, but this is how three people ended up in this joint...

1.KISS LOLA: I do. Everyday! You can too if you come visit her. She'll kiss you back too.

2.PANTIES LIL LOLA: Again, she doesn't wear panties. I'm over the whole panty thing people! Quit reminding me! It seriously makes me want to vomit!

3.SUCKER FOR A GUY WHO COMES TO MY AID AND THEN I HAVE A CRUSH: I don't recall blogging about anything related to this...But it actually did happen to me. It's easy to develop a crush on someone who helps you through tough times. I say call him. What do you have to lose?

That's all folks...

I'll keep better track next week.

Glad to see we're still not attracting any pervs in here.


Taking a half day from work today and heading to game #2 of the playoffs tonight!

From Worst To First!! Wooohooo! Go Rays!

Look for me on T.V.

I'll be the one in pigtails with THE BIG ASS BEER in one hand and THE HOT ITALIAN in the other.