Sweet Revenge

I'm having a pool party/cookout today and I've been BLARING my outdoor speakers while getting ready since 8:00 this morning.

Take that LOUD PEOPLE across the lake.

SHUT UP ALREADY

I've got these people that live across the lake from me and they are

REALLY REALLY LOUD.

I've put up with them and done my best to be neighborly(they're loud very often and may not realize that their voices carry).

Hell, I even rescued their dog one day (some little scrawny pup...not the size I'm use to)out of fear he was going to be Gator Bait.

But, tonight they are talking politics in their loudest voices, and they're drunk.

If there are two things in this world that don't mix...

THEY ARE ALCOHOL AND POLITICS!

I'm about to march my CUTE.ASS.REPUBLICAN.SELF over there and give them a piece of my mind.

However, I'm scared of the gator.

And that would be one less vote if I get eaten.

P.S. Hope you still like me now that you know I'm a republican. I was independent for a long time...

A Story For You

I picked up my journal today to begin writing, and came across this story that for some reason I documented back in 1997. Thought I'd share...

If You Are Unhappy...

Once upon a time there was a sparrow who decided not to fly South for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he decided to head south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to the earth in a barnyard almost frozen.

A Cow passed by and shit on the little Sparrow.

The Sparrow thought it was the end, but the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings.

Warm and happy, able to breathe he started to sing...

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the shit, found the chirping sparrow, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of The Story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.

Oh, and if you're warm & happy in a pile of shit... Keep your mouth shut!

An Assignment

So, the therapist gave me an assignment. Actually, she referred to it as "HOMEWORK."

But, I don't do homework (never liked it much). So, we'll call it an assignment.

Apparently WE are ALL PROSTITUTES. Bet you didn't know that.

Anyhow, when she refers to prostitution she means:

"That we all allow things to happen in our lives that we know are NOT OK, but we allow it because we gain something from it."

So my assignment is to reflect back on the past two years and write down EVERYTHING that has happened in my life that I allowed to happen that was NOT OK and what did I gain from it.

How about if I tell her "My life was fucked up, my husband left because he's an alcoholic, and I was suffering from anxiety so I started a blog."

The gain?

Now I have YOU GIRLS!!!

I don't think that's exactly what she had in mind. But that's what I'm to be working on. Which is NOT.GOING.TO.BE.FUN!

Talk to you later...HOOKERS.

Everytime

I open my blog I feel all warm and tingly.

I'm just saying.

*ETA* It's because of that HOTTY down there.

This Orchid

May be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Because I feel Pretty... Oh So Pretty...Because he said so...Every time I look at it...Oh so pretty.

Who knew hanging out with my new orchid would be so worthwhile.

Rainbows are easier to make than I thought.

Nite Nite Girls.

May you have sweet dreams filled with rainbows,orchids,and Beckham!

You're Hired

Cabana/Pool Boy Position Filled.

Thanks to Dana & Shannie

Girls Trip ASAP.

I can't be left alone with him for too long.

Hope Lola approves. She's funny about men. If she doesn't...

Will one of you take her?

On A Mission

To make my own rainbow I stopped at the grocery store after work.

On my list...A bottle of red(because dammit I deserve it)and a dog bone for my BFF(because dammit she deserves it for putting up with me.)

Then all of a sudden a beautiful Orchid took my breath away. Since it's MY rainbow I'm creating I decided I deserved that too.

While at checkout a young gentleman looked over and said...

Him: "Wow, that's beautiful"

Me: "Isn't it? I thought so too"

Him " I was referring to You...and the Orchid"

Just like that...

RAINBOW ACCOMPLISHED!

(Not getting rid of this dress either.)

Lonesome

They Say If You Want The Rainbow You've Got To Put Up With The Rain...

We'll I'm over the damn rain!

I WANT MY RAINBOW NOW! Is that asking too much? I don't even want the pot of gold at the end...JUST MY RAINBOW!

I should have doubled up on my medication today.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Thank God!

Ifs...

If I had a dime for every...minute I missed my husband I would be loaded.

If I could catch a star I'd...sell it on EBAY.

If you saw me cry you'd...give me a hug I hope.

If you could read my eyes they'd tell you...I'm lonely some days.

If I could go back 5 years I would...have invested in GOOGLE.

If you saw me walking...I would be listening to my IPOD.

If I could fly, I'd fly to...The Dominican Republic.

If I had a black cat sitting in front of me...I'd pet it.

If I could live in the Big Apple I'd...Miss the beach a lot.

If I had to leave my soul mate...It would be the toughest thing I ever did.

If I could be a movie star I'd be...Filthy Rich & Famous!

If I had half a million I'd...Sleep better at night.

If I could pick only 6 things in the house to have for 1 year, they would be...computer, crock pot, refrigerator, stereo, washer, dryer

If I could have a dream come true...to have a home in the islands.

If the drinking age was lowered...there would be a lot more alcohol related deaths in this world.

If aliens really do exist...Stay the hell away from my house!

If school wasn't required...there would be a lot of stupid people in this world.

If I had a special power...it would be to bring people back from the dead.

If I am what I eat...then I'm The Big Cheese.

If I'm rubber and you're glue...then I bounce and you're sticky.

If I ruled the world...I wouldn't. That's more responsibility than I can deal with!

If dogs are a man's best friend...then they are a woman's VERY VERY best friend.

If time heals all wounds...then one day I will be healed.

If I won the lottery...it would change my life, but not the person that I am.

If actions speak louder than words...then shut the hell up and prove it.

If I died tomorrow...I would be missed. Especially by Lola.

A stick figure with a sense of humor...

New Pet

Remember the situation a while back with the cranes? Well, one has falling in love with me. He's at my house EVERYDAY. Probably because I'm feeding him. I talk to him through the lanai and he appears to be listening. I'm his new bitch.

I named him Frasier. You get it right?

FRASIER CRANE

Meme

I was tagged by Where's My Mind which is a good thing because I wasn't sure what I was going to post about today.

The POOL BOY ended up being a POOL CHICK so needless to say we were a little disappointed. She did keep the champagne coming...just wasn't much fun to look at.

8 things I'm passionate about:

1. My husband
2. My dog
3. My Family
4. My Girlfriends
5. Working out
6. The Islands (Dominican Republic, Jamaica, The Bahamas)
7. Cooking
8. Red Red Wine!!

8 things I want to do before I die:

1. Have a baby
2. Cage dive with the sharks in Australia (crazy I know but I think this will help me get over my fear although I'll probably die doing it)
3. Visit Ireland
4. Kiss Wentworth Miller (on the cheek honey)
5. Own a consignment shop
6. Own a sailboat
7. Live on the water
8. Beat my neighbor at tennis

8 things I say a lot

Remember I'm all alone right now so the 1st three are directed at Lola

1. Do you have to go potty?
2. Do you want a cookie?
3. No jumps!
4. Shit!
5. Love you ( I'm all about the love I say this to most everyone I am close with daily)
6. Bastards! (on the tennis court)
7. Good Morning/Good Afternoon (at work and at least 50 times a day)
8. Damn!

8 books I've read

1. P.S. I love You (one of my all time favorites)
2. Skinny Dip
3. Good in Bed
4. In her shoes
5. The entire shopaholic series
6. Can you keep a secret
7. Sick Puppy
8. Nature Girl

8 movies I've seen 8 times

1. Divine Secrets of The Ya Ya Sisterhood
2. Jaws
3. The Italian Job
4. The Jerk (my favorite movie EVER)
5. Double Jeopardy
6. Billy Madison
7. Face Off
8. A Time To Kill

I tag anyone who wants to post your 8's

It was just confirmed...

That my husband is CRAZY about me.

So what if he wasn't the one to say it.

Just got off the phone with one of his rehab friends.

And he said so.

Thanks Chris, you made my night.

I'm CRAZY about him too!

Oh Pool Boy...

Tomorrow is Girls Day Out.

5 of my girlfriends and I will be here






Shooting the shit and Soaking up the sun. Since I'm still searching for a Pool Boy to fill the position available at my house this may be just the place to find one.

Told you I was GOOD

77 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior http://www.magatsu.net/maritaltest/">Take the test!

HINDSIGHT IS 20/20

Seriously if I knew that an hour and 1/2 of talking to a therapist would have helped this much I would have done it two years ago!

I just feel different! It's a GOOD different.

Not saying I'm healed...I'm just better.

There is even a spring in my step and I've caught myself humming.

Most importantly the OLD PEOPLE aren't even getting on my nerves today!

Not even when they ask me what month it is.

The Therapist

Said all things considered I'm really not as screwed up as most would be.

What a relief!

And, she only needs to see me once a week which is also a relief.

I thought she was going to want me to move in with her and wasn't quite sure what I was going to do with Lola.

So, between seeing her and doing yard therapy with Eminem I should be better in no time.

The Best Cold Soup You'll Ever Have

For Shannie & Always Organizing...

SEAFOOD GAZPACHO

1 1/2 cups chilled Clamato juice
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1 tsp hot sauce
1 tsp salt, or to taste
1/2 cup chopped onion (I used red and white onion)
1/4 cup fresh cilantro
1/2 lb fresh lump crab meat (I used blue crab)
1/4 lb cooked shrimp
1 firm-ripe avocado pitted and cut into small chunks

Mix all ingredients together (except avocado) in large bowl and chill. Gently stir in avocado before serving. This recipe serves 4 as a first course. I doubled it to serve as a main course for 5 of us.

Enjoy!

Is It Wrong...

That my dinner tonight consisted of chips, salsa, and a glass of Merlot shared with my dog (minus the wine...she doesn't drink) while standing in the kitchen?

Hope not.

Cuz we both enjoyed it.

I have an appointment with a shrink tomorrow.

Back To Life Back To Reality...

So Long Porchville...

HI HO HI HO....It's back to work I go.

Hope you all had a great weekend and a fabulous Father's Day! I had the family over for lunch and made a seafood gazpacho that was TO.DIE.FOR! I'll post the recipe if you're interested. Some people don't like cold soup but if it's hotter than hell where you are (like it is here in Florida) it tastes damn good!

Time to get to work I have a lot to catch up on and really shouldn't be blogging right now.

I know... It sucks!

Dear Anonymous,

Are you flirting with me?

If so, I kinda like it.

Just This Second...

I Realized How Very Much I Miss My Husband.

Thank you.

All of you.

My Girlfriends.

My Blog Friends.

You keep me Normal.

XOXO,

LL&L

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Sex and The City

The Importance of True Friendships.

That Love at times no matter how strong it is can be painful.

And The Power of Forgiveness.


BOTTOM LINE...IT ROCKED!!!

I won't spoil it in case you haven't seen it yet. But you will relate in some way to one or all of them.

So grab your girlfriends and go get your Cosmo's and Popcorn on. You won't be disappointed.

Promise.

I JUST

KICKED ASS ON THE TENNIS COURT!

(SO I WAS TOLD)

OFF TO TAKE A SWIM AND REST UP FOR GIRLS NIGHT.

I HEART PORCHVILLE!!!

Pool/Cabana Boy Wanted

Two Lovely Ladies Seeking Full Time Pool/Cabana Boy to wait on us hand and foot.

Qualifications include:

Must be appealing to the eye, have a rocking body, experienced in cooking and cleaning, master experience in foot rubs and the art of applying suntan lotion, funny and charming.

5 years poolside experience required.

Qualified individuals Fax Resume to: 888-123-4567


*If you have any resemblance to Wentworth Miller or Matthew McConaughey*

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! WILL TRAIN!

Welcome to Porchville

I decided to take the rest of this week off from work. We call it Porchville when you take vacation days and don't actually leave town. I actually don't even have a porch...I guess I could change the name to Lanaiville or Poolville.

I have a lot to catch up on so that's the plan for today. Oh and I have to run an ad for a Pool Boy so when Shannie comes to drink beer and lay by the pool with me we won't have to lift a finger.

Going to see Sex and The City tonight with 5 of my girlfriends. Can't wait! I'll be back to report.

Guess I've Still Got It...

While walking through Publix parking lot today a guy who appeared to be in his late twenties approached me and asked if he could take me to dinner.

Of course I politely declined.

Won't be getting rid of this dress anytime soon.

Cuz Ashley said to...

Ashley tagged whoever wanted to do this...

Where was I 10 years ago?

Assisting in vascular surgery in the operating room.

5 quirks/habits/non-important things:

1. I can touch my tongue to my nose.
2. I enter sweepstakes daily.
3. I'm a freebie whore.
4. I put salt on EVERYTHING.
5. I read magazines from back to front.


5 foods I enjoy:

1. Sushi
2. Lamb
3. Popcorn
4. Red wine
5. Stone crab


5 things I would do if I was a Billionaire:

1. Buy a big sailboat
2. Travel
3. Retire
4. Make my parents retire
5. Save

5 places I've lived:

1. Sarasota, FL
2. Tallahassee, FL
3. An Apartment
4. Next door to my neighbor
5. A Country Club

Tag you're it!

One for My Husband...

Your comments are just as important as everyones.

Leave one when you're here visiting and keeping up with my CRAZY life without you.

It would mean a lot.

Seriously!

Hope my chicken recipe that you cooked for all of the guys turned out okay.

XOXO,

Your Wife

P.S. The pool filter is clean and running great.

5 Hours of Yard Work

Seriously keeps me from seeing a therapist.

Eminem helps too.

And so will the cold beer I'm about to drink.

NOTHING BEATS

RUNNING SHIT OVER WITH YOUR LAWNMOWER WHILE LISTENING TO EMINEM ON YOUR IPOD!

JUST WANTED TO SHARE...I'LL BE BACK LATER...

It's Friday...

AND IT'S ALMOST 5:00!

THANK YOU JESUS!

Just In Case you've never seen one...

AND THERE WERE 3!!!

This Morning

I opened my front door to leave for work and there were three Sand Hill Cranes standing there.

Scared the SHIT out of me! They wouldn't move either. And they were BIG! And they were SQUAWKING! And they were walking towards me!

I had to exit my house from the lanai and walk around the house to get in the car.

Now I'm at work, and I'm safe...for now.

Until the OLD PEOPLE start arriving...

They scare the SHIT out of me too!