Friday, February 27, 2009

Against my better judgement...




I'm gonna answer this one.

How did you contribute to the demise of our marriage?
(From my soon to be ex husband)

Dear B,

Where do I begin???

Sad thing is I know where to end. And that actually is the the answer to your question. So I'll start there.

I GAVE UP.
I GAVE UP ON YOU.
THERE I SAID IT.

We spent twelve years together. I loved you for all of them. Truth be told I only liked you for nine. It's a lot harder to like someone than it is to love them. Love is Love...It's unconditional. It's Love. I will always love you as you were a huge part of my life.

After Dad died you changed. You lost your love for life. I stuck by you.

Your drinking increased.
You changed jobs.
Our Dog died.
I had a miscarriage.
Our other Dog died.

We went through a lot together. I would like to think that I stayed tough for us. I tried.

Then we decided to move. We needed a fresh start. We built a beautiful home together (farther away from my parents than I really care to be) but you wanted this house. This house that I now live in all alone.

You had a incident at work which resulted in $3,000.00 in at home detox. I removed all alcohol from the house. I told our "true friends" the situation. They understood.

You were sober for awhile.

Then you decided to drink again.

Shortly after our move your sister needed help. She moved in with us. That was the beginning of the end as far as I am concerned.

You had another drinking related issue with work. This time you lost your job.

You lost your job! And I was freaking the fuck out!
Your sister wasn't working either!
Now I had two unemployed "Didn't Do Shit Around The House People" under one roof.

I would come home after a workday to the two of you sitting on the couch drinking and asking "What's for dinner?"

That really pissed me off! That's why I resorted to the gym rather than coming home to y'all. I hated coming home! But eventually I had to. And it sucked!

You drove my Escalade (that was paid for) into a lake forcing me to get a new car...My Tahoe (a car payment we didn't need) which you wrecked shortly thereafter in Georgia.

After that you took a hiatus to New Orleans and Texas to "Find Yourself." You ended up at your best friends house. Your Best Friend...Who eventually kicked you out. Your Best Friend who I flew out to Texas to see (in August) to tell "in person" that I was filing for divorce. Your Best Friend didn't try to talk me out of it.

Where you "Found Yourself" was in the hospital with a blood alcohol content that should have put you in a coma!

Then onto Rehab...

Again.

Georgia this time. You were sober for a very long time. 181 days I believe.

I visited you and thought you were going to be okay.

I was ready for this "New Life" you promised me. That's why I still stuck it out.

I never saw that "New Life."

You started drinking again.

I've read and learned a lot about your disease B. I attended more Al-Anon meetings than you know searching for hope.

I'm so sorry that this disease has ruined your life.

But I couldn't let it ruin mine.

16 comments:

Live.Love.Eat said...

OH my. I am SO sorry LLL. But I am also very happy you have stood up for yourself and knew when to quit. You should be proud of yourself for sticking it out as long as any human possibly could. I also do hope "B" finds happiness down the road and not in a bottle. I wish you both peace and love, just not with each other.

Shannie said...

Hugs, my friend. I've heard this straight from your mouth, through tears. You didn't have to do this. XOXOXO

I'm up and drinking if you need to talk. And if you need to go private, do!

Anonymous, please be a decent human being, know what she needs, know she needed to get this out. You asked, you pushed her. Do not respond to this.

Life in Beverly Hills said...

LLL - I'm sorry you went through all of that. It takes a lot of courage to answer his question so openly and publicly. You've put it out there. Hopefully he'll know not to respond and let you live your life. And then you won't have to go private. But if you must, to share everything on your blog, do so. We are all here for you!

Hugs and Kisses...
PS - email you address please for the Pay It Forward

Always Organizing said...

Wow. You are very brave to put it out there and that you had the strength to leave and take care of yourself. I wish nothing but the best for you.

I do hope that B will be able to get and stay sober and live a healthy life.

Ace C said...

Deep!

Shelley said...

I'm proud of you for telling it like it was without airing the dirty laundry! Find happiness...you deserve it!
xoxo

Disavowed said...

You said be my guest, so here goes; I'm sure for the last time. Every story has two sides- this is what I wish to share of mine. I am battling the worst disease known to man as it has no cure and is self inflicted. I did want to start a new life with you; however, your words and actions did not lend well to the start of that. On the advice of my counselors and doctor, I chose not to come home. Mainly because I cannot be around people that drink and you still do. You flat out told me that you still would if I came home. You say you understand this disease--then why did you always find a way to bring wine back into the house? I have had a few lapses in the past 10 months, but isn't that tremendous progress? My strenght comes in my admission that I need help with this. If your strenght comes in admitting defeat just when I'm making progress- so be it. You decided to not be a part of the healing process. Thats enough.

Life, Love And Lola said...

B,
But you still are around people that drink. Your new friend Larry drinks. You have called me from bars recently while with him. Yes I still drink. I like to enjoy my wine after work. It's okay that I drink. I don't have the disease and I still lead a very productive life. I actually think you should have come home as you only seemed to get worse being where you are. I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness.

Sincerely,
L

Disavowed said...

Thats exactly the problem, YOU DO NOT GET IT.

Life, Love And Lola said...

B,

You spelled STRENGTH wrong. Twice.

I'm thinking my IQ is higher.

There has not been a healing process that I was invited to...Be honest to these people...YOU ARE STILL DRINKING.

morewineplease said...

L, I am so sorry you are both going through this.. if I was closer I would give you a big hug and shoulder to cry on... saying some prayers for you and B.
thanks for sharing this with us, its so real, and so eye opening.

hugs!

Disavowed said...

Yes, I do on few circumstances, the last time- Dads B-bay. But as I said its a tremendous improvement to where I was. You pointing that out just proved my point. Thanks. And you should not have to be invited, you should have led it.

Life On The Tail Of A Comet said...

Please stop

Life, Love And Lola said...

AMEN Comet!!!

Robin said...

Sounds like to me you gave your ex plenalty of times to make things right. You stayed when you thought you should and left whn you KNEW you should! Take care of yourself...you deserve a great life!

Robin

Muffy Willowbrook said...

LLL: Boy oh Boy...B is working the manipulation angle pretty hard.

Stay strong, Girl!