I'm Who?

Your Preppy Name Is...

North Oakleigh Freeborn the Fifth But most people know you as Kitty

What's Your Preppy Name?

I guess this is my preppy name. Don't really think it fits me. Considering I'm a Florida girl. North?? Where's the North? Don't plan on going there anytime soon. I belong in a bikini...not snow boots!

Give it a shot. What's your preppy name?

They're Screwing With Me Again...

Dear Out-Laws,

In case you missed my recent post...

DO.NOT.FUCK.WITH.ME!

I'm fed up with you.

More importantly I promised my friends and readers that I would focus on ME and MY BLOG. Not YOU!

Talk about important things...

More important things than you...

Like... 50 different ways to cook Ramen Noodles, Skinny dipping with sharks, or Knitting while blindfolded.

If you want to feel important start your own blogs...or go chase cars or something.

Just stop bugging me.

Love Me or Hate Me I'm Still Gonna Shine

XOXO

It's Not Easy Being Green...

I'm doing my best to go green these days. Recycling, turning off lights, conserving water, etc... It was very irritating that one of the bimbos at one of our other clinics just sent me a fax that was 17 pages long. What a waste of paper and ink! I've SO got to address this one.

What are you doing these days to go green?

From here on out....

It's All About Me!!

This blog was meant for me.

Right?

A chance to express my thoughts and be silly.

Just be me with no one really knowing who I am. But it's still about me. Right?

Lately, I've spent way TOO much time (and energy) focusing on my OUT-LAWS.

If they want you to know the type of people they are then they should have their own blogs.

Right?

I know.

No one would read them though. They're not blog worthy!

So, from here on out it's ALL ABOUT ME.

That's all for now.

Off to take a bubble bath and read my new celebrity dirt magazine (getting clean and soaking up dirt at the same time..funny).

P.S. If you're reading this post...leave me a comment. A compliment perhaps...Because It's all about me. Right?

XOXO

YOU CAN'T FOOL ME...

OUT-LAWS,

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SCREW WITH ME.

I MISS HIM EQUALLY IF NOT MORE THAN YOU.

DON'T TRY TO BE SWEET.

THAT'S SO NOT YOU.

BE YOURSELVES...THAT WAY I WON'T BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD.

SWEET DREAMS,

THE BEST DAUGHTER/SISTER-IN-LAW YOUR CRAZY ASS FAMILY WILL EVER HAVE

Correct me if I'm wrong...

FARTS ARE FUNNY!

ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE...

Not sure what you all know about me...If you've read my older posts you would have gathered that I work in the medical field and have for almost 12 years.

We currently have a student from the University of Florida (Go Gators) doing her first clinical rotation at our clinic.

She's young (23) and about to get her Doctorate... and Oh so giggly!!

She has experienced her first round of "Old People Farts" at our clinic. It happens on a daily basis.

Lucky her.

She can't help but giggle when "IT" happens.

We cornered her today and asked how she was going to keep her composure when that happened at her own clinic.

She giggled.

I concur...

Whether you're 3, 23, or 93...

Farts are just funny.

Always have been.

Always Will be!

Nite Nite Termite

Dear B,

Missing you.

Lola is too.

Off to bed and to read Awakening To Your Life's Purpose. My friend Oprah suggested it...To me and her 100 million other friends. I'll let you know.

XOXO,

Your Wife

How does she know what it tastes like??

I can't stop thinking about something my girlfriend said yesterday.

It keeps making me giggle.

Thought I would share.

While at the baby shower mommy-to-be (and she is obviously sober) and I are in the bathroom.

She exits stall while I'm washing my hands. In the Yacht Club Potty.

Mom-to-be: Thank God they have mouthwash...

Because it tastes like a cat shit in my mouth!

Now that's just FUNNY!

Who says that? Especially out loud at The yacht Club?

How about: Thank God they have mouthwash... Because "I have a bad taste in my mouth" or "My breath stinks"

Thank God I had just used the potty....

Because I surely would have pissed myself!

Was she serious????

So I spent today surrounded by people that make me feel good.

After a baby shower for one of my best friends I stopped at my parents to keep the love going because they are very loving, fun, and oh so funny (you'll see). As far as I'm concerned The Ultimate Couple.

My stepmother and I are catching up outside. Discussing my current situation. Husband entering rehab, my having to "MAN" the house and keep up with bills, the dog, the lawn, blah..blah..blah...

I suggest maybe I get a second job.

Apparently she was already thinking (while drinking).

Her: You should get a job at a club.

Me: I thought about that myself. I mean hell I bartended in college and made great money.

Her: No, I meant a strip club...you know as a pole dancer. I mean you have the body and you've got the looks. You won't have to worry about finances.

Me: Are you serious? Do you understand that I would need at least a couple of drinks to get up on stage in front of anyone? So then at the end of my shift maybe I'm rich... but definitely loaded...who do you suggest brings me home?

Her: Your dad would pick you up.

Me: Yeah, right.

Me again: Dad here's your wife's idea....

Meanwhile, my stepmother goes inside and comes back out with shoes in hand.

Her: You'll need shoes like these (holding two pair of leopard heels one with a bow and one without).

Me: I would break my neck in those. You know how accident prone I am. How about flip-flops? You know I'm a flip-flop kinda girl. I'll be the first pole dancer ever to wear flip-flops.

Me: I'll make history! And money! Right dad? And you'll pick me up?

See, I told you they were FUN!

Real Men Go To Rehab

Dear B,

Regardless of what Amy Winehouse says...Rehab Rocks.

You have made the right decision.

Leaving town tomorrow for Georgia.

Rehab bound.

You're in my prayers.

You're in all of our prayers.

Lola and I will miss you.

Every minute of everyday.

Be strong. We love you.

XOXO

*Edited to add*

P.S. I've let go of my feelings being hurt because my hard work at fulfilling your "Bring List" was not acknowledged. I'm just sensitive...you should know. In the next 6 weeks I'm going to do my best to let go of ALL of the times my feelings have been hurt by you and your family. Hopefully this will be a spiritual healing time for me as well. What's important is that you have made this decision to get better! Bottom line...I'm proud of you.

Im a Snapdragon

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

This will not surprise my husband, as he has seen me spit fire before.

What types of flower are you Always Organizing & I'm Just Beachy?

Hope I didn't offend you...

So I just realized that I was sitting in front of the TV watching the season finale of "The Biggest Loser" with a 1/2 gallon of key lime pie ice cream and a spoon (by myself).

How rude was that?

Hope I didn't offend you losers...Good job on your weight loss!

That's all for now...Off to find some Munchos...I mean do some leg lifts.

I've been tagged...

Rules:
1. you link back to the person who tagged you
2. post these rules on your blog
3. share six unimportant things about yourself
4. tag random people at the end of your entry
5. let the tagged people know by leaving a comment on their blogs

I was tagged by Always Organizing to list 6 unimportant things about myself...

Funny, I always thought everything about me was really important. Let's see what I can come up with.

1. I don't fart, I pass gas, and never have done so in front of my husband ( and we've been together for 11 years ).

2. I've tried Brussels sprouts twice in my life. Once as a child and I hated them. Once as an adult and I hated them even more.

3. When I was a child I would fake a tummy ache so that I could stay home from school and watch The Price Is Right & The Bozo Show.

4. I suck at math (some may think that IS important...not me, I have a calculator).

5. I love to watch penguins and could do so for hours.

6. If you put a bag of Munchos in front of me I will eat them all.

There Is Yardwork In The Champagne Room...

Some say "When life throws you lemons-Make lemonade" or some stupid shit like that...

I say "When life throws you lemons-Pour yourself another glass of champagne-Crank up The Dixie Chicks-And do some yard work."

My quote makes more sense.

I think.

No?

Not such a good idea...

So opening a bottle of champagne at 12:15 to celebrate that I finished my taxes two days early...

Not such a good idea.

I mean I am all warm a tingly due to my afternoon buzz (I forgot how champagne hits you... I don't drink it that often).

But Since then I haven't accomplished shit. Really, all I've done is scratch Lola behind the ears and check in with my favorite blogs to see what y'all are doing. Hopefully you are being more productive than me.

I have some painting to do, but that would require getting on a ladder. Probably not a good idea.

Think I'll just float on my raft and read my book (in the shallow end of course).

More safe?

I think so.

Don't mess with me April 15th...

WOOHOOOO!

My taxes are done! Two days early!

Seems like as good a time as any to pop open a bottle of bubbly!

Mimosas anyone??

Time to be honest with yall..

My husband left.

He's a alcoholic.

He's lost.

And I miss him desperately.

So does Lola.

Come home we miss you!!

*Edited to add: I felt bad just addressing one characteristic about my husband. You should know more.

He's and always will be the love of my life.
He's a genius (so much smarter than myself).
Alcoholism runs in his family (it's not his fault).
He's an excellent tennis player (and beats me all the time).
He loves our dog (almost as much as I do).

Loving you ain't easy to do..

Dear BIL (a.k.a Father Superior),

Putting up with you ain't easy to do.

There is actually a song. I would like to call it "Our Song" from here on.

My favorite verse:

"If I was in your position I would put down all of my ammunition. But the Lord knows I'm not you and if I was it wouldn't be so cool. Because loving you ain't easy to do."

Love your kids, you NOT SO MUCH.

They can't hear the blinker

Grandma picked me up this afternoon to head to my parents for dinner. Reason being was that I had a glass (or two) of wine and I just WON'T drink and drive.

Anyhow, shortly after leaving my neighborhood I thought maybe I was in better condition to drive (and she doesn't drink). She just always seems drunk. But she's really just fun!

Left hand turn (uses the blinker). Successfully moves over. 1/4 mile later (blinker still going).

Me: Grandma Your blinker is still on.

Grandma: Oh.

Next turn....1/4 mile later again (blinker still going).

Me: Grandma your blinker is still on. Nothing annoys me more than driving behind someone with their blinker on and they NEVER turn!

Finally I get a decent response.

Grandma: That's the thing about these hearing aids. You can't hear soft noises such as blinkers. So I don't realize until someone flips me off.

At that very moment some jackass behind us lays on his horn (because the blinker is still going).

Me: Let him pass you Grandma and turn off your blinker this guy is getting the finger.

Grandma: Oh Dear, Don't we'll get arrested.

Me: And I thought you were fun.

Lets stop at The Hoosier Bar.

And please turn off your blinker.

Okay, we don't have to stop at The Hoosier Bar today. We'll go there for Mother's Day and you can wear one of those tattoos my dad got you. Maybe the one with the heart that says "Medicare Is For The Birds" or whatever they say... something about arthritis or some other funny shit. Those biker dudes will get a kick out of you. That will be good fun....and they have a really good hamburger!

Now, turn off your blinker. Please.

Glad it wasn't my favorite shade...

Husband left town and wrote "I LOVE YOU" really big in lipstick on my vanity mirror.

Sweet and all...I know.

However, I do think we have to have a talk about the cost of lipstick verses chapstick. Not sure he gets it.

Dear Bitchy Property Manager of My Fancy Gated Community (part two),

I know my lawn still looks like shit. Apparently even the drunken idiot up at the club is talking (so my neighbors say). I'll have you know that on my run this morning I noticed that many lawns in the neighborhood look like shit. Are you as far up their asses as you are mine? I think from now on we should have the lawn police direct further complaints to Mother Nature considering we are in the middle of a drought and are on water restrictions. Just a suggestion...

That's all for now....Off to do my rain dance.

How do you greet your dog????

I saw this tee in a catalog I recently received.

For some reason it came across my mind as I returned home from work today.

I enter the house and there is Lola waiting for me at the garage door. Wagging her tail and looking at me like I hung the moon (or invented Milk Bones).

And so our conversation goes...

Me: Hi sweet angel. You're waggy wag. My precious pup! Did you miss me? Did you miss me?

Lola: Wagging...Wagging...Wagging

Me: We're you the best dog. Of course you were, you're the only dog. Is it time for a cookie? Let's get a cookie. Can you bow for the cookie? Good girl. You have to potty? Let's potty. Good girl!

Lola: Still wagging

Me: Are you an angel? You are an angel! You're the best one. Can I have kisses? Give me some kisses. Hugs? Do you have hugs for me? You're the best one!

Lola: Wagging..kissing..wagging.

Bottom line, If I greeted everyone as I do my dog I would either be arrested or put in a straight jacket!

I'm NOT laughing....

Dear Mother Nature (or possibly The Bitchy Property Manager of My Fancy Gated Community),

If you put the 4 Foot Black Snake on my pool lanai while my husband is out of town....That JUST WAS NOT COOL!

Lola didn't think so and Nor did my neighbor ( whose husband wasn't home either).

Santa vacations in Florida

My girlfriend and I went to an art festival over the weekend with her two boys. As we were walking her youngest, a first grader spotted Santa. He desperately wanted to go say hello. We explained that Santa was on vacation and that we shouldn't bother him. Obviously we didn't want to offend this overweight man with long white hair and a beard that was simply trying to enjoy the art.



An hour later...



We spot Santa again. Knowing her little one will not be able to resist my friend approaches Mrs. Claus and asks if it is okay for her son to say " Hi to Santa?" We get the okay. Little guy approaches this man "Santa...Santa" The kind man turns around says "hello" and reaches in his pocket and hands him a candy cane that he has brought with him to Florida all the way from The North Pole. Wow! That Santa is one smart cookie!

I turn to my friend, smile, and say "He'll believe for another year."

To hang or not to hang...

Today has been spent spring cleaning and rearranging. For sometime now I have had a vision of doing a black and white picture collage in my hallway. Today I began that project.

I bought four different sized black frames to get this project started. I filled three and had to stop...

Frame #1 - a beautiful black and white portrait of my mother when she was in her twenties.

Frame #2 - my father-in-law's black and white college portrait.

Frame #3 - a black and white picture of my German Shepherd that passed away 4 yrs. ago.

As I stood back to admire my work and decide which picture to hang next I realized....All of these people are deceased and I only have one frame left (for now). Do I hang a picture of a living being among all of these that have gone before us? Or do I wait until I have more frames? What if I hang a picture and something happens to that person?

I cannot take responsibility for that.

I'll just wait.

Unless, any of my readers have a black and white photo of someone who has recently pissed you off. Send it my way and we'll see what happens. I'll need that in a 5X7.

Let's Get This PAWTY Started

Happy Birthday Lola!!!

Lola is 4 years old today! That's 28 in dog years! It occurred to me that next year her and I will be the same age. She got her own special birthday cake cookie and a fancy new rhinestone personality collar (the green one and it's much larger).

Lola,

Today there will be no limit on cookies, we will run as far as you want to, and naps will be taken. Happy Birthday precious pup!

Much love, your mom

I WANT....

TO BE HERE...

OR....

HERE!