THE BREAKUP...

Dear 2008,

I hope that you don't find my breaking up with you in this letter as insincere.

I thought about texting you. However, I don't feel that is an acceptable form of communicating as do some people.

We've been together for a long time...

A year to be exact, and I felt that I owed it to you to express why I am leaving you.

After many sleepless nights and plenty of alone time to gather my thoughts I've decided that we weren't meant to be. Seriously, if you sit down and look back at our relationship, you too will recall that our bad times outweigh the good. You have caused me tears, stress and moments of horrible anxiety. There are episodes that occurred throughout our courting that I do not care to EVER relive! That being said, I simply cannot go on like this any longer.

I'm not saying there weren't good times. Sure there were...

Two of my girlfriends gave birth to beautiful healthy babies, I witnessed a wedding of a lifelong friend, I reconnected with old friends, The Rays made it to The World Series (so what if they didn't win), I took a fabulous trip to Texas, I created a blog, I've beaten The Old Guy in tennis a time or two (OR THREE!) and Taco Tuesday was established.

When I look back on our relationship, those are the times I would like to remember. I will always hold those memories close to my heart. I hope you are able to do the same.

The time has come for us to move on 2008.

As of 11:59 pm tonight you and I are officially over!

I wish you well.

Sincerely,
Life, Love & Lola

Ketchup...

Here's what's been going on in my world...

*I didn't get a fire extinguisher for Christmas, or 8 like I was promised.

*I did however get an electric grill. I guess Santa was watching the day I nearly blew myself up earlier this year while trying to light the gas one. Thanks Santa!

*I'm happy.

*Christmas at Lola's House was a success. We were surrounded by loving family, good friends and only had to endure one shitty relative who tends to be a complete downer. My Mom says "His glass is 95% half empty!" He's the reason her and I keep our glasses FULL!

*I bought another Christmas tree. Pre-lit, lime green, sparkly and on sale! So next year I will have 6!


*The Old Guy next door saved the day by fixing my disposal that was clogged cuz someone (not me) tried to shove too much shit in it. So we are adding plumber to his resume.

*Speaking of The Old Guy...I beat him on the court again.

*We went to the drums at the beach last night and I witnessed a drunk guy attempting to dance to the beat with no shirt and one sock on. That was pure entertainment. Seriously, I could have watched him for hours. And who wears socks to the beach? Better question... Who wears one sock to the beach?

*I'm happy.

*My Mom has informed me that her and I are going to Hawaii in May. She didn't however mention that she was paying for the trip...So I'm adding "save money for Hawaii" to my list of New Years Resolutions.

*I've become a farmer...minus the farm. Guess you could call me a lanai farmer. And some nights when the wind is blowing just right I can hear the cows mooing from my lanai. I'm growing tomatoes, jalapenos, cilantro, basil and strawberries.

Hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas!

A Christmas Tag...

Dana tagged me. Thank GOD, cuz I haven't had much to post about.

1. What is/are your favorite Christmas Movie(s)? Christmas Vacation & Christmas With The Cranks

2. Favorite Christmas Song? Santa Baby

3. Favorite Holiday Memory? Visiting The Biltmore Estate in North Carolina with my Mom and Grandmother. They have 250 trees!

4. What is your favorite cookie/treat to make? Pumpkin jalapeno muffins

5. Have you ever made an igloo? How in the hell do you do that?

6. Do you love Starbucks? I do. Pumpkin spice latte. No whip!

7. What makes the perfect Snowman? A corn cob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. I guess.

8. Not sure what happened to #8 so we’ll move on..

9. Best gift you have ever received? My Kayak.

10. What is the snowman’s name on Rudolph? I should know this...Guess I killed that brain cell.

11. Silver or Gold? Silver

12. What is your favorite Christmas decoration? All of my Radko ornaments (I collect them), My Santa in a leopard coat and my trees of course!

13. What’s your Christmas decorating style? Lots of Santa's and reindeer. White lights.

14. Do you hang stockings? yep.

15. How many days do you celebrate Christmas? Well as you know I started decorating in October. My trees will most likely still be up in February. So I guess the answer is 5 months!

16. What was your favorite ornament on the tree as a child? My Disney ones. My mom collected them. This year I have one tree that is just Disney.

17. Where will you be spending this Christmas? My house.

18. When do you open presents? Christmas morning.

19. Real tree or artificial? Both. 1 real. 2 green artificial. 1 white artificial. 1 pink artificial.

I tag Magnolia Mama and My Mia Smiles

I've been meaning to post pics of the trees and of Lola in her antlers, but I've just learned that the reason I couldn't find my camera is because he took it.

Don't worry...As usual The Old Man next door is going to save the day and take some pics for me. So not only is he my handyman, pool boy, fireman, tennis coach, dog sitter and lawn man. He is now my photographer too!

COUNTDOWN...

11 more days and this year will be offically over!

I'm looking at 2009 as a fresh start.

And I'm SO not looking back!

Funny I tried this in 2007/2008 too...I failed.

This year I will succeed!

My New Years Resolution is to be happy!

Everyday!

It's been hell knowing you 2008!

11 more days and you're outta here!

FACE-LIFT

I gave Magnolia Mama the key to this joint while I was at work today.

WOW Magnolia Mama!

I love what you've done with the place!

Go check out her blog. She's one of my lifelong friends, a wife and a mom of two. She's also responsible for introducing me to "The Blogging World."

You can also visit her at Paper Court Press. She designs fabulous invitations, holiday cards, birth announcements (DANA!) and note cards.


Thanks so much Magnolia Mama!!

I needed a change.

CHANGE IS GOOD!

I'm going to let this be the start of many wonderful changes in my life and in the new year.

Dear Printer/Copier,

Consider yourself lucky that it's not

"NATIONAL BRING YOUR FIREARMS TO WORK DAY"

I'm Just Saying.

L,L & L

Rude Awkening

This morning I awoke to 11 incoming text messages on my blackberry.

11!
IN A ROW!
BEFORE 6AM!

Holy shit. I shot out of bed. For a split second I thought I was trapped inside of an Asteroid video game.

If you were trying to rattle my nerves...
It worked.

Last Night...

While at a Japanese Steakhouse they lit the hibachi at the table next to us and this 10 year old little boy went flying backward out of his seat onto the floor.

Now that's exactly how you SHOULD react during a fire!

Of course I was laughing my ass off.

OUT LOUD!

Sorry little dude...I can't control myself in those types of situations.

The Christmas Cards...

Are beginning to roll in.

They look different this year.

Not only are they addressed to only ME.

They are addressed to MS. ME.

So, not only have I lost my husband and occasionally my mind this year.

I lost my damn R too!

I liked MRS.

Can't I just keep it and tell people the "R" is silent?

B-U-S-Y

I AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI. I'M BUSY. HEY! HEY! I'M BUSY!

Beats being ugly (you'll get that if you were a cheerleader back in the day).

Anyhow, sorry to leave you hanging on the poop story.

I'll get to that eventually...

It is the most wonderful WINE of the year!

Pardon me I meant TIME.

So between work, parties, shopping and decorating (5th tree is up. Thank you very much).

There isn't much time to blog.

I will let you in on one thing I've learned recently...

I like my dog more than I like most people.

BTW...

You know how I always envy all of your kid's poop stories that make me LMAO?

I have a great one.

It doesn't involve me.

It doesn't involve Lola (Thank you very much Rachael Ray).

Stay tuned.

One Of The Cons...

About not having a man under your roof...

Is that I seriously suck at stringing Christmas lights.

Seriously, any one of your children could do a better job than I.

Don't worry I'm not going to jump into a relationship or pick up some guy just to get these lights hung.

I will go out and purchase a pre-lit tree before I will stoop to that level.

Who am I?

Tough girl all of a sudden?

I'm all "Who needs a man?"

"I can hang my own damn lights!"

Reality though...

Dad will be here tomorrow.

One Of The Pros...

About trying to sell your house without a man living under your roof. Is that when you get a call and a couple wants to see your home in an hour and a half...

You don't panic about a mess.

Because, there is no mess.

Simply turn on all the lights, light some candles, add a little background music and remove the magnet you display very proudly on the front of your fridge that states "I Have The Pussy So I make The Rules."

Voila!

You're ready to show.

Wish me luck!

Dear Recycle Man,

Tomorrow morning when you approach my house PLEASE do not judge.

It may appear that I have a problem...

But I can explain.


The reason that both my bins overflowath is because I hosted girls night, have entertained neighbors, and hosted Thanksgiving all since you were here last.

Promise.

P.S. You should know by now that I don't drink Miller Lite. Which accounts for more than half of a bin.

P.S.S Could you do your best to dump those lightly so that we don't wake up the entire neighborhood?

XOXO,
L,L & L

Gobble Gobble

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL OF YOU!

Not The Most Effective Way To Meet A Fireman...

There are sure ways to meet a Fireman.

Like maybe The Annual Fireman's Chili Cook off, Or perhaps stealing a neighbors cat and chasing it up a tree.

Catching a ten foot drapery in your house on fire however, will not do the trick.

The Scene: My house. Girls Night. Eight girls on their way.

Girlfriend #1 arrives.

I hear her out in the driveway and walk outside to assist. Apparently when I opened the front door to exit there was some sort of vacuum effect and the drapery blew out the slider and onto the lanai catching fire on a candle.

Under a minute later first friend to arrive and I are back in the house...

Within seconds I notice the fire and start screaming!

Holy shit! That had to be the scariest moment of my life.

And what do I do??? PANIC!!!

Seriously, I DID.NOT.KNOW.WHAT.THE.FUCK.TO.DO!

They teach us at a young age that if WE are on fire... TO,STOP,DROP & ROLL...

But they don't teach us what to do when our draperies catch fire.

Fortunately, while I'm frantically running around searching for the phone to call The Old Man next door and the fire alarm is blaring because I don't know what to do...

Girlfriend #1 has smothered the fire with her favorite blanket.

Apparently she learned more in Girl Scouts than me!

So, there you have it.

Great weekend.

We'll just call it "Girls Gone Wild: Up In Smoke Episode."

The house is still standing. I'm just missing a window treatment. Girlfriend #1 is missing a blanket.

Dear Santa,

This year I'm only asking for one of two things.

A fire extinguisher or a fireman.

Much Love,

Life, Love & Lola

More on this later. Off to my parents for the Bucs game.

The Old Lady That Made My Day

Today at work I had a patient grab me and give me the biggest hug while whispering in my ear that she thought I was so cute and she wished that I was her daughter!

Sometimes these old people catch you off guard!

Oh, and then she went on about my big brown eyes.

How sweet is that?

So, Dad and Mom and my parents next door if y'all are reading this...

You've got some competition!

Or, if you decide you're done putting up with my shit don't fret...

I've got someone else who wants me.

Happy Feet

One of the things that I love about the cooler weather is getting to wear my knee high boots. I'm sure all of you are shocked that it's shoe related. Right?

Anyhow, with knee high boots comes socks...

So while I'm prancing around the clinic today in my black knee high beauties and the OLD PEOPLE are attempting to rattle my nerves. I will smile to myself knowing that within these boots are a couple of happy feet wearing black socks with white polka dots and green sparkly Christmas trees all over them. And nobody knows but me!

Saturday Search Term Fun...

Okay I know I said I wasn't going to mention the panty thing EVER again, but...

Someone landed in here by googling I FOUND PANTIES IN MY HUSBAND'S CAR.

You poor thing! I feel your pain. What did YOU do? Hopefully you freaked the fuck out and reacted completely irrational like I did! If you did, good for you! Any actions you took after finding those panties is totally justified! Unless you're in jail now. Hope not.

Oh, and another... RACHAEL RAY DOG FOOD DIARRHEA.

Hope this isn't an actual recipe. Again, whoever you are I feel your pain. Lola does too. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT buy this food for your pup. You both will pay. BIG TIME.

So I'm not the only unfortunate one who had to deal with both of these traumatic occurrences.

I'm Not Dead...

Just really busy!
Between work and partying...
I can't keep up.
Maybe I need an assistant...Any takers?

The past two weekends have been filled with

A Rockin' Bachelorette Party out at the beach with some of my best girlfriends(girlfriends since middle school so you can only imagine the silliness that occurred)

Wine, Woman & Shoes charity event at The Ritz Carlton (lots of wine, good food and shoes I couldn't afford)

A Beautiful Beach Wedding down in Boca Grande (same group since middle school, champagne began flowing at 2:30 which I totally blame for my fall on the dance floor and the two bags of Munchos I inhaled after the reception)

So that's why I've been MIA...

I'm not dead

Call Me Crazy If You Want...

Some people already do.

Mainly my out-laws...But as you know, I don't give a shit what THEY think!

I have two of my five Christmas trees already up and decorated.

Nuts? No! Christmas makes me feel good! Another form of "Free Therapy" if you will.

The Old Guy and his Not So Old Wife came over on Monday night per my request to get my outdoor tree out of the attic (remember I don't do ladders). They didn't even question. Or mention the fact that I was completely skipping a holiday in between Halloween and Christmas. They just did it cuz they knew. They know how Christmas makes me feel. That my friends is true friendship!

And no, I'm not skipping Thanksgiving.

I give thanks everyday!

So why decorate?

Besides, gourds are boring! So Not Fun!

So move over all my precious skulls, spiders, witches, rats and bats. I'll see you next year.

Halloween 2008

Off to the beach for the weekend...

But I'll leave y'all with these pics.

Everybody Stop What You Are Doing!!!

I have a VERY IMPORTANT Announcement!

I beat The Old Guy on the court! Not once....TWICE!

Mark that off my list of life goals. HA!

Do you hear me Old Man? If not, turn up your hearing aid. I BEAT YOU!!!

I've informed the Old Guy that I expect him to tell EVERYONE he sees that I beat him.

I mean EVERYONE! Friends, neighbors the person in line behind him at the grocery store...Everyone! And if he doesn't comply with my request...

I have the ultimate threat hanging over his head.

When the time comes to place him in a nursing home, we will put him in a ALL MEN'S Facility! Which would drive him absolutely nuts! Cuz he doesn't like most men.

Naughty or Nice??

Well, this year I have been extremely NICE! Maybe a little NAUGHTY...But mostly NICE.

In saying that I found what I want you gals (and guys) to chip in on and buy me for Christmas.

Go to page 167 of The Victoria's Secret Christmas 2008 Catalog.

Take a look at that beauty!

No not her...Her bra!

The Black Diamond Miracle Fantasy Bra. I.HAVE.TO.HAVE.THAT.

Why? You ask. Because dammit I'm worth it!

Yes, I see the price. I realize it is $5,000,000.00. But I'm worth it. PROMISE!

Oh, and since you are all in such a giving mood...

I'll need a pair of those Ta-Tas to go with it. I can get y'all a professional discount of $4,000.00. K?

So that's $5,004,000.00 you'll need to scrounge up.

I'm sorry to inform you that Holiday offers do not apply to this $5,000,000.00 bra.

So you will not be saving $150.00 on your order of $500.00 or more.

Bullshit! I can spend $500.00 and save $150.00. But if I spend $5,000,000.00 I save NOTHING!

Okay, forget that idea. I'm a smart shopper, and I want all of you to be too.

Just buy me a sweater.
Size small (obviously or I wouldn't want new boobs).

Saturday Search Term Fun...

These people ended up in here this week via our good friend Google...

1. Stick Sense of Humor: Didn't you mean Sick Sense of Humor? Well, I don't have one. A sick one that is. I do have a Sense of Humor, but it is very rare that my mind wanders to the gutter.

2. Pharmacist Tech at Walgreens: SUCKS! That bitch caused me more anxiety than this little body can handle. If I were in charge I would have canned her ass.

3. Skinny Uvula: I can't answer that. Call your Ear, Nose and Throat doctor (because your Uvula IS in your throat). Unless like my neighbor you think it is "down there" call your Gynecologist, and be prepared to be laughed at!

4. How do you treat a guy to love you: Well, you could treat him to a nice home cooked meal. Or, to a rockin' blow job...Either one should do the trick.

5. Lola Zumba: I would love to see that. Lola The Dancing Dog. Maybe that is how I will make my millions.

I did also have numerous panty searches, but I've decided I'm not going there any longer.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

My Glass Is Half Empty...

And I have a lot of SHIT on my plate!

Not the ideal place setting.

I prefer a FULL GLASS and a side of SHIT.

Anyhow, I'm dealing.

Just haven't had much time to blog, or to catch up on all of yours.

Forgive me.

On a brighter note...

The grass is greener over here thanks to My Mia Smiles rockin' hubby for fixing my lawn.

Take that Bitchy Property Manager of my fancy gated community! What do you think of my lawn now? I double dog dare you to send me another threat!

I Stand Corrected

The Old Guy Loves To Prove Me Wrong!

This my friends is a Uula. Apparently there IS such a thing.

Good job Old Guy...You're right, I'm wrong.

Regardless that thing is still not in my throat!

Thank God!

Anatomy 101

The Scene: My neighbors last night for dinner.

And so the conversation goes...

Me: "B's doctor told him that he has a long Uvula, and that's why he continues to snore even after his surgery."

Old Guy: "It's a Uula, NOT a Uvula. Your Uvula is down there (pointing you know where)"

Me: "NO, It's a Uvula. Down there is a Vulva."

Old Guy: "A Volvo?"

Me: "NO, A Volvo is what your wife use to drive."

Me again: "A Uvula is in your throat. A Vulva is down there. A Volvo is on the road. There is no such thing as a Uula."

End of conversation.

I Don't Care Who You Are...

"TRUCK NUTS" Cannot Be Justified!

Seriously, what are you people thinking? Roping nuts to your trailer hitch? WTF?

I think whoever invented these "TRUCK NUTS" should be roped by their neck from the trailer hitch right beneath "THE NUTS" dangling in their face and dragged a good few miles.

How on Earth

Do these people get my email address?

Seriously, does anyone else get daily emails about increasing the size of your penis?

I don't have a penis people! I have a Vajayjay.

Stop emailing me!

A Warm Fuzzy

The Rockin' Wife over at View From The Front Porch sent some love my way.

Thank you Rockin' Wife! You made my day! Go check out her blog. She's a wife and a mom and has a Rockin' Blog.

We actually went to high school together (did you figure that out yet Rockin' Wife??)

I'm in a very sharing mood today (because it's Friday) So,I'm sharing this love with ALL OF YOU! So grab this love and consider yourselves hugged!

Tonight

Jimmy Buffet's personal chef is cooking dinner for me.

Seriously!

A new restaurant opened in town, and it is owned and run by Jimmy's former chef!

The food is a little fancier than you would think Jimmy would eat, but I'm sure it will be good!

No Cheeseburger In Paradise on the menu. DAMN! I wanted to jump up on the table when I ordered singing...

"I want mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes!"

No such luck. I think I am having crab cakes as I have already reviewed the menu.

Dear Rachael Ray,

Although you quite often annoy the shit out of me with all of your spunk and your "E.V.O.O."

I AM a fan of your recipes.

Really, I think you put together some pretty good stuff!

I have your 365 No Repeats cookbook and I am a huge fan of your 30 Minute Meals!

In regard to your new line of dog food...

I bought some for Lola to try, as I believe she is more than worthy of eating kibble that was prepared by a celebrity chef.

What the hell do you put in that stuff?

Seriously, you should call it 30 Second Diarrhea!

My suggestion to you...

STICK TO PEOPLE FOOD!

K?

LL&L

The Game

ROCKED!

We won! WOOOOOHOOOO! YAY RAYS! (Pics for you later)

A couple of things worth mentioning...

1. Dear Shannie & Shannon, Please update my weight loss goal over at Operation Skinny Bitch. Instead of giving you a number in lbs. I need to lose half a Gyro, a Hot Italian Sausage sandwich, multiple handfuls of peanuts, a half a tub of popcorn, a soft pretzel with cheese and $32.00 worth of Bud Light. K?

2. Pigtails are a must! Guys love pigtails! So wear them ladies, and wear them proudly.

3. Guy crush has called and texted multiple times! What a nice distraction with all that is going on in my life!

I'll be back later. I have a bridal shower to go to for one of my lifelong girlfriends. It is being given by another lifelong girlfriend and her mother who are both fabulous cooks.

I'm talking GOURMET!

So I'm off to eat and drink some more!

Search Term Fun

I haven't been keeping track all week, but this is how three people ended up in this joint...

1.KISS LOLA: I do. Everyday! You can too if you come visit her. She'll kiss you back too.

2.PANTIES LIL LOLA: Again, she doesn't wear panties. I'm over the whole panty thing people! Quit reminding me! It seriously makes me want to vomit!

3.SUCKER FOR A GUY WHO COMES TO MY AID AND THEN I HAVE A CRUSH: I don't recall blogging about anything related to this...But it actually did happen to me. It's easy to develop a crush on someone who helps you through tough times. I say call him. What do you have to lose?

That's all folks...

I'll keep better track next week.

Glad to see we're still not attracting any pervs in here.

PLAYOFF BOUND

Taking a half day from work today and heading to game #2 of the playoffs tonight!

From Worst To First!! Wooohooo! Go Rays!

Look for me on T.V.

I'll be the one in pigtails with THE BIG ASS BEER in one hand and THE HOT ITALIAN in the other.

On The Market

Not just me...
My house too.

I don't know how the real estate market is doing where y'all are, but it sucks here right now. I mean REALLY REALLY sucks!

So keep your fingers crossed for a quick sale.

Aren't I suppose to bury some statue of a Saint or something like that in my front yard? Which one?

And if I do...

Is God cool with that?

Clocking Out

The Old Guy's Wife gets home tomorrow.

So I'll be officially off the clock.

Can't wait to see my Nancy...My voice of reason.

So I'll be back to a 40 hour work week.

Thank God! These old people can be exhausting.

Love you "Old Guy" but seriously I CANNOT HANG WITH YOU!

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Lastnight

I didn't come home.

And this morning on my way home I inhaled a sausage, egg & cheese biscuit.

Two things that are VERY out of character for me.

Friendship Is...

When your neighbor wakes up at 7:00 AM on a Saturday and...

Hand waters your lawn (because you have freshly laid sod).

Allows you to sleep in (cuz he knows you partied your face off last night as he was there).

Comes over when you finally awake at 9:00 AM (and doesn't mention that you look like you've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit).

Freezes a wart off your arm with the Wartner product he bought for you (most likely cuz he's tired of hearing you bitch about it).

Brings your dog out to potty (cuz she's about to piss her fur pants and you are still on your first cup of coffee).

Changes out the batteries in your smoke detectors (cuz the chirping is annoying the shit out of you and you are afraid to get up on a ladder).

All because you can't function!

Friday Fill Ins

1. My Dad's birthday, Halloween and Cooler weather...are some of the things I'm most looking forward to in October.

2. Sometimes I... Analyze things too much.

3. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were once Superbowl Champions ...and that's why there is a saying, "never say never"!

4. When I'm down, I... Drink wine, run with my dog and then drink more wine.

5. On my lanai or On the tennis court... is where you'll find me most often.

6. A rainy day is good for... a romp in the sack.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to... Happy Hour at Our Club with The Old Guy, tomorrow my plans include... playing tennis and watching Florida State Football and Sunday, I'll be... Watching The Bucs beat The Packers!


*ETA* In October I am most looking forward to Shannie & Dana coming to visit me!!!!

Dear Old Patients at The Clinic Today,

TURN UP YOUR EFFIN HEARING AIDS!

I'M TIRED OF SCREAMING!

YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!

LL&L

Random

More Wine Please tagged me with the Random Tag! So I am supposed to come up with 7 random facts about me...

1. I bring a bucket in the shower with me and use the water on my plants. It's one of my latest efforts to be "More Green."

2. I love to wear my hair in pigtails! It makes me feel SASSY!

3. I have a crush on someone. Can't tell you who because of an anonymous lurker that frequents this joint.

4. I love having my feet rubbed.

5. I'm a sucker for silly people. I love to laugh! So if you're funny you earn huge points with me.

6. My childhood dream was to cheer for the Tampa Bay Bucs.

7. I suck at math. BIG TIME!

It's a Small World

Hey there Sarasota.

Do I know you?

For Lack of a Better Post...

Some search term fun

Little Lola in Panties: Well, she's NOT little that's for sure! Nor, does she wear panties. However, if she did I'm certain that I've taught her well enough not to leave them anywhere!

Lola and Dad: Yep, you'll find them both in here. I blog about them quite often. They are two of my favorite people.

Taking your dog to the ballgame: If it fits in your purse be my guest. Mine however does not.

Zumba for the handicapped: If you're handicapped I do not suggest trying to Zumba! It's very difficult. I know as I have tried it. I'm surprised I didn't end up handicapped. Stay in your wheelchair. You're safer there.

A Funny From The Old Guy Next Door

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner o f the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Screw the Peanuts and Cracker Jacks...

Give me an eight dollar beer and an Italian Sausage with Hot Peppers...

Oh, and this little cutie to sit next to...

Game on!

Win or Lose...

If You're Not Reading The Comments

You're missing all the fun!

Cuz that's where the really funny shit is!

Y'all crack me up.

Almost as much as Adam Sandler does. And that my friends is a HUGE compliment!

Mystery Solved

So I've solved the panty mystery!

He has actually been involved with this classy tramp who left her panties in his car since late July. She's an addict too.

He had already given me 100 reasons to leave him...So this was just the icing on the cake.

I pulled our cell phone records. You should read these text messages. I can't write what they said. As it would surely result in some pervs ending up in here.

I will tell you though that while going over the phone bill I realized that he had gone over on his text message allowance.

So I informed him that everytime he texted her after he was done masturbating cost him 15 cents.

We Get All Kinds Here

A new patient just came in for an evaluation.

He's wearing a shirt that states "Rub My Nuts For Good Luck."

Seriously!

I could use some good luck, let me think about it...

UM.NO!
WAIT, I MEAN HELL NO!

Like Mother Like Daughter

Just got off the phone with my Mom.

Her and my Dad went out with her college roommate and her husband last night.

And so the conversation goes...

Me: "Did y'all have fun?"

Her: "I'm really hungover. I feel like I've partied since 1999."

Me: Laughing. "Those aren't the words. It's I'm gonna party like it's 1999."

Her: "No, I meant what I said. This morning I feel like I've been partying since 1999"

Me: "Yeah, I guess 9 years of partying would make you feel like shit."

Me: "So what are you doing now?"

Her: "Having a glass of wine."

And there you have it like mother like daughter...

Saturday Search Term Fun...

So I totally stole this post idea from Shannie. I finally figured out how to track how certain people land in here. Here are some recent visitors search terms.

1. Name Lola in Chinese Letters: Interesting, but you aren't going to find your answer here. I don't speak Chinese. Shit, I can barely speak Spanish and my maiden name is VERY Spanish.

2. My Neighbor is Old: Why yes he is. But if you make fun of him I will SOOO open up a can of whoop ass on you! He's old, but he's fun and most days, especially on the tennis court I feel much older than him.

3. Lola Happy Happy: She is. She is.

4. Two Things Man and A Horse Shower: WTF??? Don't even talk to me about men right now. A Horse Shower??? I don't know...A hose maybe.

That's all I have. No sickos thank God!

Going out on the town tonight with some friends. It's been a long time. And I will be sans wedding ring. Time to get back out there.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...

But you are too stupid to ever hurt me.

Dear Anonymous (AKA Husband),

Seriously, you almost went to Medical School. Just choose not to.

You were smart when I met you (we all know how stupid you've become.)

Play it smart now.

Calling me names is not doing you any good. Texting notsomuch either.

Ask any of these wonderful people if they think I'm "Psycho" or if they think "I SUCK..."

I'm quite certain the answer will be a BIG "HELL NO!"

So lose that chip off your unemployed shoulder and stop harassing me.

This is my happy place.

No one invited you here.

And it is an invitation only party.

Everyday of the week.

I'M FREE

To do what I want.

Right????

Can I get a "HELL YEAH" and some CART WHEELS PLEASE!

Backflip...Round Off...Bring on The Pom Poms...GOOOOO LL&L! WHOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I've seriously never been this happy on a Tuesday (aside from tomorrow is trash day and you know how excited I get about that).

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW!

It's Good...GOOOOOOD (Jim Carey If you will).

I'll have a better post soon. Oh, and I still have to give a shout out to my blogs that I love. I will acknowledge you soon.

Focusing on "ME" now...I'll get back to you soon...

*ETA* The main reason for this post was that I found another pair of women's dirty panties in my soon to be EX husband's bed side table. Yes you heard me ANOTHER pair. They weren't there a couple of weeks ago. So I think two pair of panties justifies me being free to start dating whether the divorce is final or not. Right? So now lets start working on marketing myself. My only two major requests for my next man...

MUST BE SILLY
MUST LOVE DOGS
Oh, and any men with a panty fetish NEED NOT APPLY

A Treat From My Neighbor

Here you go, a treat from my neighbor.

A "Guest Blog" if you will...

Hello out there,

I have the privilege of being the next door neighbor and now I have the special honor of being the first guest blogger.

Instead of "I see dead people" she sometimes quips "I see old people". I am very proud to be one of them.

This young lady is my best friend, my Florida daughter, my buddy; the girl who...
I'd like to think I help raise her spirits now and then and in reality she does a nice job of lifting mine.

A whole new wonderful life awaits her; move over world. This very special 'breath of fresh air' is ready to rock and roll! There's no holding her back now!

Together we endure the incessant frog sounds, the lawn-devouring chinch bugs, the overly boisterous neighbors and together we are struggling to be better tennis players. With her innate ability and determination she will be a big time player soon.

This is a
very special lady!!

old guy next door

Can Y'all hear that?

It's peace and quiet! And it's wonderful!

I have an assignment for you. I need a new header. I don't want to change the name of this place, just the words underneath. And maybe jazz it up a little.

So y'all work on that while I work on this bottle of champagne I just opened. K?

Stay Tuned

I'll be back this weekend.
My life has been temporarily interrupted by my soon to be EX Husband lingering around the house, making a mess, getting drunk, passing out and pretty much annoying the shit out of me.

I tell him I no longer want him in my life and now he won't go away.

A LOVE NOTE

I love to be loved! Who doesn't? Thank you Shannie for making my day!
Now on to these questions...I have to answer these in one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? OUTOFHISFUCKINGMINDDOESNOTKNOWHOWTOTREATHISWIFE (Ya'll got that right??)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Heaven
5. Your father? Close
6. Your favorite thing? Friends
7. Your dream last night? Nada
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. The room you’re in? Yellow
10. Your hobby? Tennis
11. Your fear? Sharks
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy!
13. Where were you last night? Sleeping
14. What you’re not? Jealous!
15. One of your wish-list items? Children
16. Where you grew up? Florida
17. The last thing you did? thought
18. What are you wearing? flip-flops (In Florida this is one word)
19. Your TV? Tennis (It's the US Open for crying out loud!!)
20. Your pet? LOLA
21. Your computer? bright
22. Your mood? relaxed
23. Missing someone? nope
24. Your car? new
25. Something you’re not wearing? wedding ring (yeah two words...just wanted to point that out...I'm back on the market)
26. Favorite store? Norman's (Best wine deals in town)
27. Your summer? Humid!
28. Love someone? Yep!
29. Your favorite color? Yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today (Thank GOD)
31. Last time you cried? Monday
Now for passing on the award!

The rules of this award are:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.

2. Link the person you received your award from.

3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.

4. Put links of those blogs on yours.

5. Leave a message on the blogs of the people you’ve nominated

So I nominate:

All my peeps tomorrow. In a new post. Cuz ya'll deserve a post of your own. And I'm too tired tonight.

XOXO,
L,L&L

PANTIES=PROBLEM

I found a pair of panties in my husbands car today.

And they weren't mine.

EWWWWW!

I actually filed for divorce last week.

He should receive the papers soon.

Hopefully he will be as quick to sign as he was to get into another gals panties!

There Is No "I" In "TEAM"

I'm sure you've heard this one before.

The first time I heard it I remember thinking "Wow that's powerful."

That first time was back in high school. Most likely on the the sideline of the football field. And it has stuck with me since then.

There isn't an "I" in "TEAM!"

It's pretty simple, and one of life's greatest lessons. As far as I'm concerned.

Conversation With My Neighbor

While watching The US Open tonight he looks over at me and says...

Him: "Have you ever seen Oh Brother where Art Thou?"

Me: "No, I haven't, and I think you meant are right?"

Him: "No, it's art"

Me: "Okay whatever we've been drinking it's art if that's what you say."

Totally not happy with the fact that I'm somewhat ignoring this whole conversation cuz I'm trying to watch tennis and obviously not interested in this movie otherwise I would have seen it. He heads to my office to confirm that he's right with our good friend Google.

Him: "L, Come in here" He has a page pulled up on the Internet.

Him: "Look. Art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art, art!"

Me: "You sound like a seal. You win, I'm going to watch tennis."

NOOOOOO!

GO AWAY GUSTAV!

New Orleans doesn't deserve this! Please God make it better!

I love New Orleans. Some of my most wonderful memories are in New Orleans. Why is this happening...AGAIN!

I'm praying! I hope ya'll are praying too.

COMMUNICATION 1101

ALL MEN SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO TAKE IT!

If I Ever Go Black

I heart you James Blake!

Your BFF beat you.

Sucks I know.

I think you let him win.

Cuz that's what BFF'S do.

That's sweet!

THINK,THANK & THUNKED OUT!

Thinking is over. Got my answer. Made my decision. Done.

So some friends took me out last night. Which resulted in me sleeping in and missing the recycling guys! Damn! I hate that.

I feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit!

They think I'm handicapped

More Wine Please posted earlier on the annoyance of word verification.

I couldn't agree more!

In fact I was just commenting on a blog and it took me five times to get the effin letters right. FIVE TIMES! On the fifth try I noticed a handicap symbol that popped up.

Do you think they were trying to tell me something?

I may be a dumbass at times. But, I'm certainly NOT handicapped.

*ETA* If you think I'm handicapped could you please mail me a tag for my rear view window. This will get me front row parking at the beach.

IS IT 5 O CLOCK YET???

I just had a patient freak the fuck out on me because he cannot afford his $25.00 copay.

He's FOREIGN, He's LOUD, He's OLD and He's About to get KICKED IN HIS SORE KNEE if he doesn't back off!

Seriously, I know times are tough for a lot of people. I have a kind heart and I'm always willing to work with people in these situations!

And that is what I'm trying to tell this patient as he continues to have a hissy fit!

If he would shut up for three seconds he would hear that I have decreased his copay to $10.00.

I think in situations like these it would be perfectly acceptable for me to have some Bailey's on hand to add to my coffee. I'll have to bring this up at our next corporate meeting.

Been Thinking

Seriously, I'm thinking too much.

WAY.TOO.MUCH.

So I've temporarily lost my funny.

Cuz I'm thinking.

Apparently my brain cannot be both funny and smart at the same time.

So pardon the interruption of my funniness, cuz I need to think.

And thinking is much more work than being funny.

So, just picture me sitting here with my fist on my chin...

Don't Mess With Texas

You know those vacations that you rush rush rush and you feel like you need a vacation after your vacation?

This was SO NOT that type of vaca!



Here I am with Mr. & Mrs. B. Oh.My.God. What a fun night! Tex-Mex Rocks! And the margaritas...TO.DIE.FOR.


And who doesn't love swinging while drinking? How cool are those chairs?

And as far as their "Little Texans" go...


How could you not smile with these two angels close to you?


Words cannot even describe the cuteness that fills their home.

Big sis will be a supermodel one day...Promise!

And baby brother is too smart for words. In fact, I think his vocabulary is better than mine (at 18 months)!

Seriously, have you ever known a child under two that can ask "More Asparagus Please?" And he speaks Chinese too!

He is Doogie Houser Smart.

So, the trip was wonderful!

Lots of bonding! Lots of love! Lots of shopping! Good Eats! Great Friends! And really good times!

Home Is Where Your Dog Is

What a fabulous trip!!

I didn't find Wentworth Miller...But I think I found myself!

I know what I want, and now it's up to me to find it!

I'm back at work.

More on the trip and pics to follow.

Miss You Already

I should be asleep...but I'm not. Flying anxiety will do that to ya.

Headed to Texas tomorrow. Where everything is BIGGER! I may not come back. That is if I find the right cowboy, or Wentworth Miller (as he is there as I type). Speaking of Wentworth, one of my girlfriends told me today that she heard he was gay.

That was the end of that friendship.

Have a great weekend ladies!

Enjoy your lives, enjoy your friends, laugh, smile, eat, drink, be merry and give lots of hugs!

Fearing The Flight!!!

Yes, already!

WTF? Seriously, I'm terrified of heights and I hate to fly. How the hell did this happen to me?

I use to be a huge "Risk Taker" in fact one of me dreams in college was to climb to Base Camp One of Mount Everest. And now I'm freaking the fuck out about flying alone 48 hours before I leave.

I haven't been on a plane alone since I was in high school. No joke. I've always had a buddy, or my husband.

I feel really bad for the poor soul that will be sitting next to me.

1.Will he/she freak when I grab their hand during take off?

2.Will they be quick with the "Vomit Bag" if need be?

3.Or will they decide after they ask for a coffee and I request a Bloody Mary and PLEEEEEASE make it a double that their only option for a decent flight is to follow my lead?

Pick three!! Pick three!! Let's have a drink, I'll fall asleep (most likely on your shoulder) and all will be fine.

You Know You're A Grown Up When...

You get the day off from work due to a Tropical Storm heading your way and instead of organizing a "Hurricane Party" You...

Clean your entire house.

Pressure wash your lanai and rearrange your patio furniture.

Pack for your trip that is three days away.

Make a pile for Goodwill.

Do three loads of laundry. All rugs included.

And Rearrange your pantry.

SERIOUSLY

If I hear "HUNKER DOWN" one more time today...

What the hell does that mean anyway?

I had a list...I stuck to my list!

Batteries-check
Bottled water-check
Dog Food-check
Wine-check

What more do I need?

So whatever I need to "Hunker Down" if it's not on that list, I will not be "Hunkering."

*ETA* Maybe something for me to eat? K! Got it! Mac & Cheese! Since we are "Hunkering down and all."

OH SHIT

Fay is headed our way!

Keep your fingers crossed for Lola and I.

This will be our first storm on our own.

81 Never Looked So Good

Last night we celebrated Grandma's 81st birthday!

That's her in the middle. Proudly sporting her new BUCCANEER shirt. Just in time for football season!

Grandma ROCKS!

Of course my idea of going to The Hosier Bar was shot down once again...I'll get you there one day Grandma. PROMISE!

Instead, we grilled kabobs at my house. Or so that was the plan...

Until Dad went to fire up the grill...

And so the conversation went...

Dad: "Honey, you're out of gas."

Me: "Oh, I think I have an extra tank in the garage."

Dad: (walking towards me with BIG ASS GAS TANK IN HAND disconnected from grill) "I'll go check."

Me: "OH.MY.GOD.DAD. Did you turn the gas off (panicking)????"

Dad: "What?"

Me: Realizing how fucking stupid of a question I just asked, considering the tank was empty, he questioned me again and I was forced to repeat myself.

Me: "Did you turn the gas off?"

Dad: Laughing.Laughing.Laughing. "There's no gas."

P.S. That's Life On The Tail Of A Comet in the pink cowgirl hat.

If Dog Hair Were Worth Money

I'd be a fucking millionaire! Seriously, this is a couple of days without sweeping at my house. You would think Lola would be bald. Can't we find some sort of use for this hair?

I don't know pillows maybe? Or exclusive "Lola Coats?"

I could sell them at Nordstrom & Neiman Marcus. I think the celebrities would jump all over them. No?

So put your heads together and figure out a way for Lola to make me rich.

TAGGED

I was tagged by my Mom to list seven boring things about myself. Since I haven't always done what she has asked I'm going to change it up a little. Instead, I'm going to list seven cool things about me.

1. I have held a beating heart in my hand. A humans beating heart! When I worked in the OR the heart team would need heart holders while the surgeon was doing the reanastamosis of the arteries. I would always volunteer. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life.

2. I finished The Draft Day Dash 5K in 23 minutes. My goal was actually 21 minutes. But I still ran under 8 minute miles and got a medal. I was so excited while running through the tunnel and onto The Tampa Bay Buccaneers field I almost peed my pants! My husband and my dad were there cheering me on. It was a very proud moment for me! These morning runs are the times when drinking a beer at 9AM is perfectly acceptable, and that's pretty cool.

3. I saw a shark (the size of me) swimming at me while snorkeling in The Keys a couple of years ago. I totally freaked. My husband swears I ran on water to get back to the boat. Two cool things here: 1.If I did indeed run on water that's cool. 2.The fact that I wasn't attacked was pretty cool too.

4. I'm very laid back. Which is a cool way to be. I'm certain I belong in the islands somewhere. I guess Florida is close enough for now.

5. I assisted in the operation to remove one of my best friend's gallbladder. Yep, I've seen her guts. I think it's cool. Her NOTSOMUCH.

6. I taught my old dog how to tell me he loved me. It was the coolest thing. I'm still working on this one with Lola.

7. I swam in Pee Wee Herman's parents pool when I was little. This was way before he got caught yanking his wanker at the drive in. So it was cool then.

*ETA* The friend who's Gallbladder I helped remove still insists that she gets Gallbladder attacks. I always reassure her that we did remove it. So now we call them "Phantom Gallbladder Attacks."

Som Tings Wong

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed (while watching the Olympics) that Chinese people don't have eyelashes.

Why is that?

It kind of freaks me out.

ZUMBA

Have you tried it?

OH.MY.GOD. It ROCKS! And no it's not something you smoke or drink.

It's a new workout that incorporates Latin dancing and cardio. My girlfriend and I just did it during our lunch hour. If only you could have seen us. We were laughing hysterically!

You should see these bitches on the video move their hips. Us, NOTSOMUCH! Personally I think I would be a lot better at the moves after a couple glasses of wine.

Anyhow, just thought I'd mention it for all my girls participating in Operation Skinny Bitch.

What a great way to burn some calories, learn some new moves and make a total ass of yourself!

Another Sunset...

But who doesn't love a PINK one!

Just another shitty day in paradise!

Today

I volunteered at The Wildlife Rescue.

My job...

To Feed The Raccoons! Yes, you heard me feed those creepy little bastards! There are about 40 or so of them in cages that were abandoned when then were babies. When they are a little more mature they will be released.

These critters are going to be in for a RUDE AWAKENING once they are back in the wild. As they eat like kings and queens at this joint.

On the menu, Scrumptious Parfaits. That's what I made. SEVEN.FUCKING.HUGE.BOWLS.OF.THEM.

The recipe

Layer the following ingredients:
4 cups dog food
Two cups water
Chopped cantaloupe
Chopped watermelon
Chopped apples
Chopped pears
Chopped peaches
Chopped kiwi
Chopped celery
Chopped squash
Chopped carrots
Top with bread

Seriously, this is what they are fed daily!

Raccoons! The creatures that dumpster dive! The bastards that knock my trash can over in the middle of the night looking for anything they can get their creepy little fingers on.

Then you know what they do when you are trying to serve them their gourmet lunch?

They HISSSSSSSS at you.

Dear John Edwards,

You're a Jackass!

You are the reason I'm happy to call myself an Elephant.

Bill Clinton helped me with that too.

What is it with you Jackasses cheating on your wives?

It is what it is...

You're A Jackass.

I'm an Elephant.

Its Friday And...

Happy Friday To All Of You!

Breaking News: Chester Strikes Again

Cheeto thieves leave orange, dusty trail
ST. PAUL: It wasn't hard for police in St. Paul to catch three teenagers suspected of burglarizing a vending machine. They just followed a trail of Cheetos.

Officers were called to a rec center, where they found a vending machine's glass had been broken with a chair. Most of the candy and chips were missing.

The policemen followed the orange, dusty trail from the rec center around the side of the building and to a nearby home.

Inside, they found numerous vending-sized bags of Cheetos and other snacks.

Police arrested the suspects who soon arrived at the home by car. All three denied being involved.


I guess I'm not the only one with a Cheeto problem. The fact that they denied being involved cracks me up. I'm sure their fingers were a dead giveaway!

That Chester...Causing problems again!

Dear Pharmacy Tech at Walgreens,

Stop what your doing and listen up. This information will be very valuable for your future encounters with customers, and could possibly SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I'm not exactly sure how much you are required to know about the drugs that us customers purchase from your pharmacy. I would like to think that you have a rough idea of what certain pills are prescribed for. If not I think it is in your best interest to just assume that all customers are crazy, depressed, anxious, bipolar and possibly psycho just to cover your bases.

You do not, I repeat YOU.DO.NOT. tell someone that suffers from anxiety that her Lexapro cannot be filled until the 29th of August on August the 6th! That is just wrong. I knew my prescription was ready as your pharmacy called me to tell me it was. Your mistake nearly sent me into a panic attack. Clearly the REAL PHARMACIST noticed and fixed the situation quickly. That was the longest two minutes of my life.

So like I said treat us all like we're crazy.

I can't imagine if you did that to a customer that was picking up their anti-psycho medication.

You might have gotten your ass beat!

Life, Love and Lola

Dearest Shannie & Dana,

Just to entice the two of you to visit Florida...
A picture from my lanai tonight...

Oh and me with "The Old Man" (my neighbor) Who is soooo much fun! At "The Beach Drums" last Saturday night. Good times. Good times.


We're everyday pals as his wife is off saving the victims in Indiana. Seriously, she was called in after the flooding. And she's been gone for way too long!

I miss her.
And he misses her.
She's been gone for two months.

And since my husband is gone as well. We hang out a lot together. We play tennis. And he beats me (old fart), but he taught me everything I know (he's my pro) and one day...

I.WILL.BEAT.HIM!

AND.HE.KNOWS.THIS!

We have dinner together.

We exchange nights.

Or we're off the hook if it's "Taco Tuesday."

On the other nights... We've been eating hot dogs. Or whatever...

Come home Nancy, We Miss You!

Oh, and back to who this letter was addressed to...

Shannie & Dana

You will SO.HAVE.A BLAST.

Come visit!

YA MON

Just got home from a neighborhood friends house. The one who lives most of the year in Jamaica. She hosted "Taco Tuesday" tonight.

She broke the rules. There wasn't a taco in sight.

Her MIL is visiting from Jamaica, and is as Jamaican as they come. Born and raised. And she cooked for all of us.

OH.MY.GOD.FABULOUS!

I truly felt like I was back in Jamaica.

Except that I was in my own neighborhood, I wasn't smoking gonga and I have to go to work tomorrow. But that's besides the point.

Anyhow, this MIL rocks! She is as sweet as they come! She's an excellent cook and speaks very little English. Patois is her language. Not sure if you've ever heard it, but it's very different.

While sitting and (kind of) speaking with her. I noticed that really all she ever said was "Yes" but the way that she says it with her accent is more like "Yeeas" (you know Jamaican like). And all sweet and such.

I could have sat with her ALL.NIGHT.LONG. I asked her a million questions about Jamaica, and told her how much I loved her Island, and how I had honeymooned there back in the day.

"Yeeas, Yeeas and Yeeas" was all she would say.

Next time I see her I have some different questions for her...And this is how the conversation will go...

Me: "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Her: "Yeeas!"

Me: "Am I the smartest Florida girl you've ever met"

Her: "Yeeas!!"

Me: "Do you love me the best of everyone here?"

Her: "Yeeas!!!"

I can't wait!

Just Wondering...

Do Y'all think if I continue to mention Wentworth Miller's name that one day he will Google himself and land on my blog?

And then he'll start reading, and he'll think that I'm smart and funny, and he will fall head over heels in love with Lola and with me which in turn will make him land on my front doorstep?

No?

Damn!

*ETA* I just googled him and there are 3,790,000 links. So the chances are pretty slim. However, if you type "Lola" after his name I'm number one!!

Quote For The Day

" How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

-Anais Nin

Her Name was Lola

She was a virgin (no show girl here).

We have new neighbors, and they have a dog.

A Wiener Dog.

Lola will not stop barking at this dog, and I'm kind of embarrassed.

Sorry, she has just never seen a wiener before.

Since I rescued her she has led a pretty sheltered life. A nice life I might add, living in her palace, being the only one and enjoying her days being the princess that she is.

She's just not familiar with wieners.

So deal with it people.

Deal with my dog being a prude.

Or get a bigger dog.

And the barking will cease.

Or you could shower her with cookies. She likes cookies.

Here I Am

The thing about living alone is that if there is a mess you made it, if the dog isn't fed you forgot, if the gas burner on the stove is left on ALL NIGHT LONG it's your...oh wait that was my Mom who left the burner on.

And if your Internet bill didn't get paid YOU FORGOT TO PAY IT!

So the reason I was MIA all weekend is because my Internet was down. I felt so out of touch! It killed me not to know what all of y'all were up to. I really missed Y'all! I have to make sure that never happens again!

The weekend consisted of the usual shit. Yard work, pool work, tennis.

I did go out with my neighbors(who are quite a bit older than me)on Saturday night. We had a blast! We went to the grand opening of a new club in town. There was a great band and we danced! Old people can be a lot of fun. Especially after a few glasses of wine. And boy can they dance!

So, in case you were wondering where I was...There you have it.

I wish I was here telling you that Wentworth Miller came and swept me off my feet and I'm now writing to you from somewhere in The Caribbean.

But no such luck.

It certainly would have made for a more interesting post!

Guess I Hit A Nerve

I have to admit that my last post was written way past my bed time. Oh, and a couple of glasses of wine.

That's just how we roll around here during SHARK WEEK.

I don't watch much T.V.

I'm pretty sure I've expressed that.

So therefore, I don't have much space in my life for commercials. That's why I have Tivo.

I'm surprised I even caught that commercial last night and seriously, it made NO.SENSE.TO.ME.

And now I know why.

Thanks to Anonymous (comment in previous post) it's a "Centaur Thing."

Ya'll know what that is? (FYI It's half man half horse)

So that commercial wasn't meant for us women, It was meant for those half men/half horse individuals that were watching.

Nothing to do with being "Well Hung" or "Smelling Nice."

It was addressed towards "The Centaur's" that were sitting on the couch watching.

Well, excuse me Centaurs...My friend "The Unicorn" needs to go change her tampon, and us gals always go in 2's.

P.S. Football Season is right around the corner "Centaur" I need to know are you a fan? Or a mascot?

Dear Marketing Director for Old Spice Body Wash,

In regards to your new commercial:

Let me start by saying I don't appreciate your humor.

I'm pretty sure your thought behind the ad was that:

"If they use your product, they will be hung like a horse."

However, if my man exits the shower half man/half horse after using your body wash...

I'm really not sure what I'd do with him.

He's certainly not getting in bed with me. Not with those hooves!

You've been around for a long time "Old Spice."

You can do better.

Besides, even if the men buy your silly ad...It's us women who buy the products.

I'm just saying.

Life, Love & Lola

ABC'S...

A. Attached or Single? Attached.

B. Best Friend? Quite a few. I heart my besties!

C. Cake or Pie? Key Lime Pie.

D. Day of Choice? Saturday. It's the only day I completely forget about work.

E. Essential Item? Victoria's Secret "Slice of Heaven" lip gloss

F. Favorite Color? Green

G. Gummy Bears or Worms? I don't do gummies.

H. Home town? Sarasota, FL

I. Indulgence? Stone Crab Claws & Red Wine

J. January or July? July! Love the summer.

K. Kids? Just my four legged fury one.

L. Life isn't complete without? Love

M. Marriage date? 3/29/2003 (Thank God it's engraved on my charm bracelet Sometimes I get it confused with the 23rd)

N. Number of Brothers and Sisters? Two Step-sisters. I'm the oldest. The youngest took off to Hawaii in January with this total Jackass. I'm going to wring her neck when I see her. So then I guess I'll only have one. :)

O. Oranges or Apples? I'm not much of a fruit eater. Love my veggies though!

P. Phobias? heights, escalators, snakes, Mondays

Q. Quotes? "And one day there shall be a love so strong that when one cries the other tastes salt" (my all time favorite)

"If you live to be 100 I want to live to be 100 minus one day that way I never have to live without you" -Winnie The Pooh

"I can deal with anything as long as I have the Right Shoes"

R. Reasons to Smile? Pre-Season Football kicks off this weekend!

S. Season of Choice? Summer. Love grilling out by the pool, boating and being outside.

T. Tag 5 People - whoever hasn't done this and wants to.

U. Unknown story About Me? I had to be cut out of my gown on my wedding night by the concierge at The Ritz Carlton. No joke! My husband was trying to help me out of my gown and broke the zipper handle right off. I started to panic! We called down to the concierge desk requesting scissors right away. They came up and cut me out of my gown. I had never been so relieved in all my life. They informed me that I wasn't the first Bride that this had happened to.

V. Vegetable? Artichokes

W. Worst Quality? I'm WAY TOO Sensitive. Most days I wish I had thicker skin!

X. X-Ray or Ultrasound? I've had plenty of X-Rays. Too many.

Z. Zodiac Sign? Taurus (Yep, The Bull)

Z. Zoo Animal? Penguins and Monkeys I could watch both for hours.

*ETA* Back to Season of choice...FOOTBALL SEASON is my favorite season! And to think I said summer. What was I thinking?